vrátit se in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

My latest entry was five days ago… at which point I was genuinely wrestling with a difficult question. I’m still wrestling with that question; but I’m coming to terms both with that struggle and with what the inevitable conclusion will likely be.

I don’t wish to talk about the weekend or about presents given or received. I will say my dad caused both Wife and I to think about a few things. He was sick with a cold all weekend, but still pushed himself, and still drank like his father. So by Monday, he was in a bit of a foul place but not the way some of you may be thinking. He just… comes off considerably more adversarial, combative, and has a difficulty understanding words spoken as opposed to what he thinks is being said. For instance, when I say: “I’ve been applying for everything.” He hears, “I’ve been applying for all the Prosecutor Jobs I can find.” When what I mean is, “I’ve been applying for everything from Insurance Sales to HR work.” So… the discussion was difficult. Wife even cried… hard… trying to get my parents to realize how bad the situation is for her and that maybe moving back at a significant financial loss would be better for non-financial benefits as opposed to staying in a place that provides financial benefits at a significant non-financial loss. Ultimately, Dad asked “Would you be in a better position if you had stayed here and not gone to law school?” He may not have had ulterior motive in asking that… but he was passionately against me going to law school… so I had to measure carefully how to respond. But. truthfully, the best answer is the following:
I still strongly believe that going to law school was a good choice. It is one of the VERY few choices I’ve made in the last 15 years that I am confident about. But we should have moved back to Des Moines immediately after Hooding. Because it is where we want to be. In short… we would be happier had we never left Des Moines but I’m glad I went to law school.

Today… expecting the new County Attorney to swing by the office… I got to work a solid 30 minutes early. And nobody else was in the office. Including, but not limited to, the DHS workers who are contractually obligated to be here at that time. (sarcastic) Super. But… excited at the prospect of getting guidance and getting some work done… I hit it hard. I went through all of my current Indictable Cases and all of my past Indictable Cases and sorted it all out. I barreled through hard for a solid 45 minutes. Then… like air out of a tire… I was done. I’d (orginizationally) taken care of all of my indictable files… and it took less than an hour. And in my indictable files… were also my Juvenile files. So the only files that remain? (1) Magistrate… the two or three speeding tickets a month that go through here. (2) Mental Health… cases where the Magistrate uses the Medical Report as the “representative of the State” and I act as a silent figure. Lastly (3) Bad Cases… cases where the officer filed the complaint but didn’t arrest the individual… and now we can’t find them. I have maybe 3 or 5 of these period. So… just as far as getting things together…it took me 45 minutes to do 65% of my cases… and then there are 29 % of the cases that genuinely don’t require any work from me. So after 45 minutes… and 94% of my day already taken care of.... yeah. My “work hard” gumption kind of evaporated. And the new County Attorney won’t be here today. So… okay… figured I’d send him the work I did. A whole day’s work in 45 minutes. Sign on. E-Mail demands a new password. K. But it won’t let me in with the old password. K. Shit. So this is what will take my entire day. Trying to figure out how to send an e-mail. (sarcastic) Super.

Meanwhile… for some odd reason… every time I shift my arms, my shirt sleeves tear. Very bad.

I imagine that at some point throughout the day I’ll start trying to rapid-read some of your entries. In my absence my Unread Bookmarks Page grew to be larger than 5 pages. So… hopefully, I’ll be able to catch up!

But… yeah. My first day back from X Mas Vacation and… all ready a pretty useless day all things considered. Honestly… I don’t think this is what God intended for me. But I get so angry when Dad says, “God loves you and wouldn’t make you go through anything he didn’t want you to.” Because… I so badly want to shout back at him.... “So… kids dying of cancer… you think God wants that? Because even Christian Theologians say that isn’t what God wants. You think everything I go through is because God wants it? So… all of my medical anomalies and near-death medical emergencies between 1 and 5… that was God? Both of my testicles almost dying at the age of 8… that was God? My awkward, near constant social rejection… that was God? A girlfriend that tried to rape me and tried to kill me… that was God? Excruciating constant physical pain throughout my entire body that will never be cured… that was God? A wife who hates herself so much she can’t stand the thought of having sex with me… that was God? My experiences in the Omaha Jail that terrified you… that was God? Being stuck in an isolated area where suicide rates are triple the national average and the nicest people I know in the area are 78 year olds who tell me they’re excited for death because it will get them out of this place… that is God?” Don’t get me wrong, I still have my faith. I still believe in God. But seriously, for Christ’s Sake… this whole idea of “Christ loves you and won’t give you more than you can take” is theological, philosophical, ontological, and biblical bullshit. You want to know some Bible Characters who loved God and go screwed? Moses. Followed God, freed the Israelites, told the Israelites not to make the Golden Calf… Israelites made the Golden Calf while Moses was talking to God… Moses dies having never entered The Promised Land… which was the whole goal of the damned escape attempt. Not to mention the Cannon of Saints. I’m not even talking Catholic, I mean the gruesome and brutal way many of the Apostles were killed. Or even Christ’s best friend John the Baptist… he got his head cut off because an asshole promised his mistress any present that she wanted. So… yeah… history and the Bible are full of people for whom “God loves you” wasn’t quite enough to get them through their life’s issue. And while that is certainly a conversation I’ve had with God before… anything like that could never be said to my dad as he would not take it well.