Christmas is finally over!! in Since OD is shutting down....

Literally I couldn’t be more thrilled. I fucking hate holidays because I always spend them by myself. I didn’t hear from anyone I was related to yesterday and because it was a full on blizzard, I couldn’t even get out of the fucking house! My DVD player stopped working for awhile and I honestly felt like I was on the brink of insanity. I seriously don’t want to ever experience another holiday like this! My family is a fucking joke and none of them made any effort whatsoever yet again so I’m glad I didn’t waste any money buying presents except for my little brother and my niece.

Today I realized I had to get out of this place because I was getting super depressed from being my own head for way too long. I showered and got stuck as soon as I backed out. The neighbors came over and helped thank God and then I went and got kitty litter, cat food, and something to eat. It was just so fucking nice to get out of the house. I really wish I had a social outlet on my days off because then I’d have more to look forward to then just going to work! I have learned to completely dread days off because I never have anyone to spend them with where it’s not going to cost me money.

I’m still stressing about my daycare situation. I know that i’m not due until July but the sooner I’m able to figure something out the better. A lot of daycare places here have an infant waiting list and most of them want $150 a week and that’s not going to happen!!! I refuse to pay $600 a month for childcare because it would make it impossible to pay everything else and it would be counterproductive to even having a fucking job. I have been trying to come up with something more reasonable. My friend that lives in AZ might know someone here willing to babysit but as of yet, don’t know what she would charge and if she’d be okay watching my child until 10pm at night.

It would be really nice to know what daycare rates are in other places but here, they are ridiculous especially when most jobs don’t pay much more than minimum wage. If I can’t find a reasonably priced person to watch my kid that I feel comfortable with then I will probably be a stay at home Mom for awhile, at least until my kid is older and it’s cheaper to have someone look after it. I’m not going to work just to pay childcare, that’s basically working just to be away from you kid which I wouldn’t want to be anyway. I understand that daycare people need to make their money too but if they just want to overcharge people, then they won’t make jack shit either.

I finally have my counseling appointment tomorrow and I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am about that. I am so ready to have someone listen to me without judging that could maybe offer some advice from a different perspective. I’ve made a lot of mistakes with people and I need help figuring out exactly why and how to prevent it in the future. I’m also tired of being made to feel like all I do is victimize people regardless of what they’ve done to me. Sometimes I just feel so angry at how much people have used me and then when I finally put a stop to it, then I’m made to feel like the biggest monster ever created!!

Eric’s family hasn’t made any effort with me whatsoever and that’s another reason I’m looking for daycare. If they aren’t going to try and get to know me than I’m not going to feel comfortable leaving my infant in their care. I’m 100% in control of this situation and I will use it to the fullest extent because I’m tired of feeling like I just have to be okay with bullshit people and bullshit things. It’s not going to be what everyone else wants because this is my child that I’m carrying and things are going to be fair to me, not fair for everyone else!!

It seems like all I’ve done is fight with people from the day I found out I was pregnant. What efforts I’ve made to get along with everyone have been unsuccessful and now I just want to remain in my own little bubble. No one has done anything to help me in any way or even offer any emotional support. Having Eric around was toxic because all he wanted to do was argue over the same shit we’ve hashed over a thousand times, be emotionally abusive, and threaten me. My brother and his girlfriend have been very cold and detached, probably because now that I’m having a child, it’s not going to be all about them anymore.

I have a lot of anxiety running through me all the time thinking about having a child and what kind of Mom I’m going to be. I’m really hoping that people will come around to see my kid and I won’t just be sitting here with my child by myself all the damn time. I hold onto hope that things will get better but I can only reach out to people and get blown off enough until I realize I need to take a hint.

Anyways, I’m going to sit and watch tv. I can NOT WAIT UNTIL MY CABLE GETS TURNED BACK ON!!!! I seriously can’t stand watching the same shit over and over again. This is absolute torture and I should have gotten something figured out long before I had the cable disconnected because this has been brutal.