Another day. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday I get a letter in the mail saying I need to go to some job workshop thing on the 28th so I called and made sure they knew I had a fucking job. The lady said that maybe it’s because I don’t work enough hours but I let her know that I had to decrease my hours or I wouldn’t have been able to get Medicaid for my kid. She said that she was going to ask and call me back. So far she hasn’t but I’m going to be super upset if I have to work even more because my body already hurts so fucking bad that I don’t even know how much I’ll be able to work as I get further along!!

I tried really hard this week to get along with Eric but ya can’t reason with crazy. He was messaging me last night and I almost hit a deer answering him. He writes back, “ok and” so like he didn’t care at all and then I blocked him. I need to just accept that he’s crazy and abusive so I need to just let things be until I absolutely have to be in contact with him. I do plan to mail him the paper he’s going to need to notarize later after I know what I’m having and I’ve decided on a name. I just don’t know how to get along with someone that turns everything into a fucking battle and just wants to make shit even harder than it already is. I can’t deal with it anymore and if anyone has a problem with that, I don’t give a fuck. I have to make good choices for myself and reduce my stress level.

I work in 3 hours and I’d rather pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers. It’s colder than fuck, it’s been snowing since last night, and I’m just so tired of being cold and staying that way until I get back home. Our winters here are brutal. I’m missing Summer terribly and can’t wait for it to return. I’m worried about driving in this shit but hopefully they’ve been plowing so we can get around.

The past couple of days I’ve been able to look at everything from a very realistic, and mature point of view. I know that everything will work out but I just hate this part of not knowing if people are going to be there for my kid or not. I’ve messaged with Eric’s Mom and she seems really nice so I’m hoping we will be able to hit it off and she will help me here and there. I know that there’s a better chance of Eric’s family helping than my own.

I’ve bought some baby stuff online and feel less anxiety now that I’ve seen prices on everything. It’s really not as bad as I originally thought. I know I can do this on my own and I will. I’ve decided that I refuse to sit around and be angry that I’ll be a single Mom because that’s not going to hurt anyone but me. I made my decisions to have sex unprotected and not be married so I have to step up and be a parent now. It’s definitely bullshit that he doesn’t have to but he’s also the one that’s going to miss out on watching our kid grow too.

I just don’t want to waste any more time being upset or depressed. I just want to be excited about being a Mom and starting a new chapter in my life. My old manager is going to be opening a new store in a few months and I may decide to go as well. I know that I’ll wait until after my maternity leave and to see if anyone makes effort with my kid and if not, I’m going to put in my transfer request. I just don’t see the point in staying here raising my baby by myself when I can go somewhere else and raise my kid by myself. I’m not going to waste my life sitting around waiting for shit that’s never going to happen.

Anyways, I plan to come straight home after work tonight because it’s fucking miserable out and I have to work in the morning. My boss guy that I don’t like pulled me aside to confront me about me saying he was stealing. I had mentioned something to another manager about it but didn’t think she’d run and tell him so I was like a deer caught in the headlights. I of course deny it as he’s got the power to fire me but I just wish she would have told me so I could have been more prepared for what I was going to say. I don’t have any problem calling people out on their bullshit but when I tell someone something in confidence, I don’t appreciate them turning around and trying to create drama and gossip either. This same manager has always proven to be a 2-faced back stabbing bitch so I need to remember this for future issues and be SUPER fucking careful what I say to her or around her.

Anyways, I’m going to chill for a few minutes before I have to get up and start getting ready to go.