I'm mentally unstable today in Vulnerability

How fucking embarrassing. I burst into tears at work today with two and a half hours of my shift left and my store manager noticed I was crying and asked what was up but I was in such hysterics that I nearly fell over just answering him. I got upset because I’m still fucking sick and I can’t stand how when I get sick, it’s always for like an entire fucking week rather than fucking off after a good fucking sleep or something, you know, like it would in a normal human being. I’m downing cold and flu tablets, vitamin c tablets, zinc tablets, eating healthy, but nope, I’m up hacking my lungs up at night and then hacking up boatloads of phlegm into the bathroom sink each morning, which is good, it means I’m getting that shit out of my system but man, why is there so much of it?
I was hoping this would piss off during my weekend, but nope, it’s still there to say hi to me, you know, like a cunt.
Sorry, I’m so annoyed, I’m swearing unnecessarily.
And how embarrassing, crying at work so I’m sure now that everybody knows about it. I went to tell Gemma that the store manager was sending me home early, and she already knew about it, and she’s the biggest gossip queen out of everyone, so everyone’s bound to know about my little meltdown this afternoon in aisle 4. Fuck.
I told her that I probably won’t be in tomorrow. She said to ring in and let her know, but I dount I’m even gonna do that. They can figure it out. I don’t care. I just want to get better. And tomorrow is a shift where I need to be in and out of the coldroom and that’s what’s gonna fuck me up even more, so no. I’ll see how I feel on Saturday when I walk into the disaster of me not having been there for two shifts prior.
I certainly won’t be going to Tropical Fruits in a few weeks if I still feel like this. The idea of sleeping in a tent after a night of dancing and drinking in a field in a country town doesn’t exactly appeal to me. Apparently it’s a lifetime event that every Aussie gay man has to experience however. I can just see that it’s going to be everyone on some sort of substance except me. Andrew said that when my old housemate Jeff went, he burst into tears.
And that’s exactly what I did today. Do I really want to ring in my New Years with a repeat of today? And even worse I’d be STUCK there. It just doesn’t sound appealing at all, plus it’s way too expensive. i ain’t no loaded bitch, unfortunately.
I did book bus tickets on Christmas Day to Toowoomba for my direct family’s Christmas lunch. only $24 each way, which is great of them. They could charge a fortune if they wanted to, much like Budget IS! I looked up hire cars for the 2 days over Christmas and they are charging over $400! I just about died when I saw that. What fucking arseholes. They’re as bad as the airlines are! People trying to get home to see their families and they rout their prices through the roof. I was very thankful for Greyhound charging their usual fare. I’ve decided to head up early, wander around for an hour or two and then head to my sisters, and head back home at 6pm. That’s a big enough day for me.
I still hate my dad’s guts and my reasoning for actually attending Christmas is the exact same as it has been the past few years - you know - just in case they drop dead. Then I won’t feel as bad about having held a grudge against those certain brainwashed relatives of mine. I often wonder what my reaction will actually be when my dad carks it. Like, would I even cry? I think I’d cry at what could have been if he weren’t such a stubborn homophobic fuckknob. It’s a weird feeling knowing that I’ve come to accept that I know he’ll never change and I’m kind of just waiting. He could have another 25 years in him for all I know.
Fuck this is a weird entry. I still have tears in my eyes, gimme a break.

Edit: Then I read this article hmmpf http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/ok-fellas-so-man-flu-might-be-real-but-you-might-be-more-dispensable/news-story/a5c47dc17f7e3dd5d4caf3f3d9338c44
… “men suffer more with coughs and colds because they have extra temperature receptors in the brain, so they experience worse symptoms.”
Interesting.

And then I see this. I get the crying star!

Last updated December 15, 2016