Decent last couple of days. in Since OD is shutting down....

I worked all day Saturday and finally told most of my co-workers about my child. Everyone was super supportive. There was a couple that were completely shocked too. I just felt like I was hiding something and I couldn’t handle that feeling anymore. I know I shouldn’t have until January but it was driving me nuts that most of them didn’t know. It was a really good Saturday, nice and steady. I made $86 and then I worked 4-8:30 last night and made $52 so I’m definitely glad I went because I needed the money and the hours.

Yesterday morning one of my cats had thrown up all over the floor in the living room. I had to call my Mom and have her come clean it up because every time I even thought about it, I was gagging. She came for awhile and we had a nice visit but the only way I could get her to come help is to give her gas money. It’s really fucking sad that this is how my parents are but I needed someone to clean up the puke so I had to deal with it. I’m glad she came to help though, even if I did have to pay her.

I didn’t want to go to work, I wanted to nap but glad I went. Everyone was talking to me about the baby and being super cool. One of the girls I work with is already wanting to babysit and I just think that is super nice. I told her absolutely, Mama’s going to need a break sometimes!!! It was 20 degrees yesterday and that’s the warmest it’s been here in 2 weeks. I don’t think it will be too bad today but we’ll see.

So then last night, I get home and the same cat that had thrown up all over was attacking my leg every time I walked by him and making me really uncomfortable. He kept wandering around meowing, then knocked over his scratch post which is 5 feet high. I finally started walking around with the remote in my hand in case I had to hit him. He was being really fucking weird for awhile and then attacked me again and I put him outside. This fucking cat has always been aggressive and hateful so it’s not unusual, but I refuse to deal with it or being made to feel threatened in my own home!!

Today I’m going to see a friend in the hospital. I don’t know him extremely well but his foot is infected from diabetes and he’s been on Facebook asking people to come see him so I’m gonna today and then later I have to give my old manager a ride somewhere. I’m glad I’m off and then have the next 5 days on.

I haven’t unblocked Eric. I don’t think I will until I’m closer to my due date. I think it’s best for us to just focus on our own stuff for now and catch up later. I also think even if I were to unblock him, all he’s going to do is call me names and find whatever reason possible to argue and I’m not just going to waste energy doing that. I know he’s always wanted to be a Dad but I don’t see him stepping up enough to really be one. Honestly, I hope he does for the sake of our child but I don’t see it happening unless I want to be with him. I want the best for our kid which is having both parents around but Eric is a very selfish person overall and don’t see him doing what he would need to do to be a Daddy.

Eric’s got a lot of mental stuff going on and I don’t know if it’s from his childhood, being an alcoholic, or he’s got some mental illness but it would be great if he got some counseling to start figuring it all out. I’ve just never known anyone that’s wanted to fight and argue with him like he has and I’m done with it. I can’t figure out if he does it because it fuels his drinking or what but good Lord, it’s not fucking healthy!!! I just don’t appreciate him TELLING me how things are going to be when this is my kid too and I’ll be the full time parent here.

I know that he’s probably not going to change but I feel I owe it to my child to hold on to a little bit of hope too. I just don’t think he understands what it takes to raise a kid nor do I think he looked at this from the right angle. It takes a lot of money, loss of sleep, patience and love to raise a baby and I don’t think he considered those things. He just wanted a little person to share his genes, but didn’t realize that kids change you. Everyone has told me having a kid is going to change me and I think it already has in a lot of ways.

Since more people know, I feel a lot better about things. I definitely don’t feel as stressed and I’m more excited than scared. I’m glad that everyone at work has been super cool about it and my old boss was texting me the other night joking that he’s my baby’s dad. Oh my GERD LOL super funny stuff.

I also decided that I need to start getting out and doing shit on my days off. I’m tired of just hanging out at home by myself. I was off Thursday and Friday and I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind. I like being at home and in where it’s warm but I need to start finding people to hang out with. I have a friend that will literally text me all the time but the other day I finally mentioned us hanging out and she acted all weird about it so now I don’t respond to her text because it makes me feel like I’m good enough to text when she’s bored but not good enough to hang out with?! Well, I deserve better than that!!!

I’ve managed to cross a lot of people off since I’ve been pregnant. I’ve always allowed people to half love me and not really be around but I feel that I’ve put up with it enough and I want better for myself along with my child. I’m sick of these people that NEVER answer the phone when I really need someone to talk to because things aren’t going right but get super pissed if I don’t answer their phone calls, they get really upset?!? I crossed my friend Heather off because she was the one that was a complete bitch about Eric and is another one that’s only around on her terms. I blocked her on Facebook and auto-reject her phone calls now. I didn’t do it to be mean, I did it so it’s easier for her. Now, she doesn’t have to try and find time to schedule me into her life anymore.

Another thing is I want to reiterate that I get we all have our own lives but when EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS is flaky, never there when you need them, I’ve never really had any true friends other than my brother’s ex’s that I’m still in contact with. I get tired of no one ever making effort and it’s just easier to do my own thing and be by myself.