Behind the Scenes of a Nurse's Mind in The Life Of A Nurse

My weekend of work was good, albeit busy. We kept turning over beds and admitting these super sick, unstable, deteriorating patients (so. much. influenza.) and then stabilizing them in 24 hours only to have to push them out and get a whole new batch of super sickies in. Great practice for our brains and our teamwork and our technical skills but also a strain that is exhausting in an indescribable way.

Of note, we randomly admitted a patient I'd cared for for nearly a year at my old job (in months long bursts over several calendar years) who was found brain dead by her family after choking while home alone. It was sad and difficult, having known her as an awake and interactive person with opinions and jokes and preferences and now seeing her as a lifeless, ventilated, limp body in a bed being kept alive only by the machines and the medications. No one else working on my new unit knew her so I took a moment to myself after they declared her brain dead and her family had left and we had removed all the monitoring and cords and wires. I spoke to her body, wishing her well and thanking her for her kindness and friendship over the previous years. I didn't say any words out loud, of course, but I put my hand on her quickly cooling one and squeezed for a moment, reminded once again of the fragility of life and the power of the connections between us. I didn't really know her as I only met her as a patient and provided her care but there is still a familiarity there that brings peace when acknowledged.

The rest of the weekend flew by and was a cacophony of constant alarms and call lights and ventilators dinging and phones ringing. I attended a family meeting with the husband of a patient I've been caring for for the past two weeks and rubbed his back while our medical team told him his wife would likely not survive. Telling someone that the little bit of hope that they are clinging to to cope with such a traumatic event is being taken away and the chance their loved one could return home is diminishing is always difficult. This man in particular was rough as he's in his 70s and after hearing that his wife will likely die here in our ICU, he broke down and unabashedly cry-mumbled "But I've loved her since I was 16 years old. She's all I have. Why is this happening?" Sometimes a tissue and a hand on their arm and sympathetic eyes feel so minuscule compared to the depth of the grief our patients and loved ones express in front of us. There are no words most of the time. But we offer the few that we can think of and physical touch if it seems appropriate and we try to make it in any way easier.

I find myself lost in thought most days on my drive home from work, replaying scenarios and conversations and circumstances that I encountered at work. I still haven't found the best way to process these feelings, struggling to appropriately vent about the losses or stresses of what I do while also unsure of how to celebrate the successes without appearing cocky or selfish. I can't rightfully post something on Facebook or Twitter and even sharing here feels risky as my ultimate concern is protecting patient privacy and respecting the intimacy with which I do my job. The last thing I want to do is harm or insult someone else while trying to cope with my own feelings. They don't really warn you in nursing school about all of the feelings - the rush of heart pounding adrenaline when you're doing CPR and get a rhythm back, the heartbreaking loss when you don't, the unique friendships you develop with patients and families that can't go beyond the walls of the hospital or the weight of every single day being a part of the worst day of every patient's life. I love this job without question and will do it with pride and honor until the day my body gives out on me but I know there are physical and emotional costs to this profession that don't get the credit or acknowledgment they need. There isn't anything I can see myself doing (besides being a mom) that could give me greater satisfaction or for which I could be more passionate but the tradeoffs have been unexpectedly deep and have settled in my bones in a way I never knew to expect. This all isn't to say I am struggling mentally or feeling doom and gloom all the time. I can get home and shut this part down and be focused, attentive, active and happy in my personal life. I just wanted to get a few thoughts out there as they're rolling around in my head and share them as it often makes the load a little lighter.

Hoping all of you had wonderful weekends with family. Time with those we love truly makes everything else we do worth it. :)