I have more to say. in Since OD is shutting down....

I definitely don’t mean to be negative or anything but this is really my only outlet, next to my friend that calls every morning on her way to work. I’m really sad that I don’t have more people to talk to or see outside of work. I dread my days off because all I do is clean and hang out at home. Nobody ever has time for me and they won’t even try. My brother lives right next door and even he won’t respond to my Facebook messages.

Honestly, I would like to move and start over somewhere else but I don’t even know where the fuck I’d go. My bestie lives in AZ and I don’t want to be there because it’s hot as fuck and I don’t even know how much I could see her or my nephew because she’s talked shit about me to her husband. I know that was a long time ago but he probably hasn’t gotten over it and chances are, he probably doesn’t even know that her and I talk every single day. We got into a fight a few years ago about my brother paying her child support and he doesn’t see his kid. I didn’t really understand it then but now that I’m going to be in the same boat, it’s become more clear to me.

They always say you won’t understand a situation until you go through it yourself and I understand her more now than I ever have. My brother doesn’t have her number but has her husband’s. I think it’s bullshit because he should be able to call her directly, but I understand her side of she doesn’t want to fight and argue with him either because that’s all he wanted to do back when they were just breaking up and before she moved away. I understand that as a Mom, you have enough to be stressed about and you aren’t going to want people around that are just going to add more problems.

My situation is probably going to be a lot similar because all Eric has always done is fight with me, long before I was pregnant and that’s why I wouldn’t put a label on our relationship. For him to say I won’t be able to do it on my own is because he’s pissed that I don’t need him to make this happen. He’s mad that I can do it on my own but has to try and make me feel like I can’t. Well he’s not going to help at all so I won’t have a choice. His issue is he wants as little responsibility as possible but have everything his way. Well, I have a job and won’t be able to drop whatever I’m doing so he’ll be able to see his kid. He’s going to have to understand we will have to set up times for him to come around, it’s not going to be just when it’s convenient for him.

My whole life has already changed and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I never thought I’d be able to have kids because of my diabetes, being on depo for 8 years, and from being overweight but now, I get to be a Mom. I’m not going to let anyone make me feel like this is anything less than a blessing. I know that there will be plenty of people with negative comments and I’ll let them know I don’t give a fuck. It’s not their child so therefore, it’s not their problem!!! I get to be the one to have it and then raise it so they really shouldn’t fuckin worry about it.

My parents aren’t going to care except for me not being able to help them anymore. I already don’t but they will just be upset KNOWING they won’t even be able to ask anymore. It’s almost tax time so I know they’ll text me to try and find out if I’ll have any money for them like they did last year and it’s already ear marked for baby stuff. My Mom text me last year trying to feel me out and see if I’d give them money and I let her know that I was spending it on fixing my car that I had bought back after I had to trade it in due to that fucked up mechanic. I also remember 3 years ago when that mechanic wouldn’t give me my car and I borrowed hers and paid $1,300 worth of bills for them with the promise I’d get at least SOME of it back and when they get their taxes, they fell off the scene for 6 fucking months!!!

Everyone has pulled a lot of shit on me and now with me having a baby, I can’t and won’t allow it anymore. No one is going to help me with my child, even with babysitting so when they ask for money, they are going to be told to fuck off. My parents don’t help my brother at all with his little girl and anytime my Mom has babysat, my brother has had to pay her!!! He’s given her money and groceries just for her to come over and sleep!!! I won’t be caught dead paying my parents watch my kid. That will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN.

Another thing is my kid will never be alone with my Dad and won’t be inside their house. Their house smells of BO, dog shit/piss, cat shit/piss, cigarette smoke, and burnt food. I won’t allow my kid to be around it. My Dad has also been creepy in the past with me and my brothers and I’ll be damned if he ever did anything to my kid.

My Dad molested me. I know he did things to my older brother too but my brother hasn’t ever said much. My little brother is now 21 and my Dad makes sure that we never hang out because he knows my little bro would tell me shit. My Dad was really mean to me when I was growing up and one night, he pushed me down on our porch and then I went to counseling saying I was going to kill him (I didn’t mean it but I knew they’d get me away from him) so I spent a week in a mental hospital. I was 16 and then my Dad put me on juvenile probation. Anytime he’d be in a bad mood, he’d pick at me until I’d cuss him out and then he’d try and have my probation officer put me in jail. I’d beg her to until I was 18 but she wouldn’t do it.

My Dad got away with what he did to us kids and I’ll be damned to ever let him do anything to mine. He won’t even be allowed to change a diaper. When I was in that mental hospital, I told them what he’d done and my Mom MADE me tell them I was lying so that he wouldn’t go to prison. I still hate her for that because if he would have been locked up, my little brother wouldn’t have had a shitty life. My little brother was never allowed to go to school and gets social security, which my Dad is the payee. I know that my brother probably doesn’t even know how much he gets every month.

My family is really messed up and I’ve learned to just deal with it but it sucks because my kid won’t know what it’s like to have grandparents. I never did reach out to Eric’s Mom because I don’t even know if she knows about me and if she does, she probably won’t be terribly friendly because Eric’s ran his mouth and has her believing that I’m crazy and shit. I am honestly just so tired of feeling like the entire world is against me. No matter what other people to do me, I’m always the bad one.

I knew if I were to ever get pregnant, that it would be like this but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s bullshit that I’m scared to tell them because of their reaction. I don’t see them being happy for me, I just see them saying really rude/disrespectful things because that’s just how they are. I could just picture telling my Mom and the first words out of her mouth being, “who’s the father” and then I’d get pissed and just hang up. I’ve already dealt with enough negative over this that I certainly don’t need more.

I think I’d feel better about being pregnant if everyone knew about it. I hate feeling like I’m carrying around a secret. I don’t plan to tell anyone at work until before Christmas because my 2nd trimester starts at the beginning of January and then my chances of miscarry are pretty much gone. I’m not ready for everyone to know because I worry about what will be said behind my back. I do plan to let people know that if they have anything negative to say, I really don’t care because it’s not their problem.

Today was a good day for me cleaning wise. I cleaned up the kitchen, dishes, swept, counters. I vacuumed, poop scooped, and picked up a bunch of shit. I still need to do laundry but it can wait until I get up tomorrow. It’s supposed to be super cold this week, starting tomorrow so I need to get up early to shower so I can get my hair dry before I go anywhere. I’m already sick of winter, the cold, and it being dark so early in the afternoon. Now, I can’t wait to get off work so I can come home, take a bath and just be warm.

With a baby on the way, it’s make me realize that I do want/need a new job. I’d like to get into something that could actually turn into a career. I’d love to find a job with benefits, paid time off, pay raises, and everyone that’s at least 18. I’ve stayed at my job for 3 years because I truly enjoy it but it’s never going to be a career and I’m never going to make more than minimum wage because I make tips. I have a lot of qualifications to get into a better job and when I’m on maternity leave, I’m going to be applying online to different places.

I know that I’m unhappy with the new GM but it’s not even so much him. I’m sick of being out in the cold, I’m sick of just the same fucking shit everyday. I know when I lost my job a year an a half ago, I had 3 different jobs and I fucking hated them but I can’t stay there and do the same shit until I’m fucking 80 years old either. I’m already putting in applications online here and there and want to be in something new pretty soon after I have my kid. I want to be paid a decent enough wage to be able to consider buying a house. I’ll have a child and I have pets so I’m going to need more room. I just can’t see myself doing this same shit forever. It’s already been 3 years and it’s time for a change. I just don’t want to be there so long that I’m too comfortable to even think about moving on.

Because I make tips every night, I don’t know how easy it would transition to a job where I just get my hourly pay and I don’t see cash everyday. I know I can do it but it will be a completely different dynamic too. I’ve just put up with so much bullshit for the past 3 years and I know it’s not going to change until I break away. I know my bosses are pretty decent people but I will have a kid and have to do what’s best too. I know I’m not trying to work in a call center because I need a job where I am up walking around and being social so I’m trying to keep my eyes open for something that fits that mold for decent enough pay. Wages are terrible here and that’s why EVERYONE is on welfare but there’s nothing stopping me from moving either.

Anyways, I need to try and start going to bed because I have to be up early to shower and do laundry.