Baby Baby in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I’m supposed to be meeting Kendra for coffee in less than an hour but I can’t seem to get myself motivated to get out the door. Kendra used to be one of my very best friends and we did everything together. I have great memories with her. In 2011, she went off to go to school in Scotland and just six months later I went off to Paris. We got into some fight about why we’d lost contact with each other and didn’t talk for about three years.

When I cut somebody off, they’re cut off. I don’t play.

We reunited when she came back to California, new husband and baby in tow, for a brief stay before she returned to Angola with her husband. It’s not the way it was, but that’s okay. Kendra is one of the people I got along with best in all my life and so I was more than glad to accept her invitation for coffee since she’s been trapped in this town while her husband is still in Africa and she’s pregnant with their second. She is one of two women I know who didn’t seem to get a lobotomy during her C-section, she hasn’t changed all that much.

The other day, I was reflecting on how bad my social anxiety is. I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and came across my friend Ileana when I realized that Edgar’s Facebook has disappeared. I immediately became worried and called him right up.

Despite everything, he has always answered a call by me before the third ring. I said hello, and he told me that he was at his AA meeting, can he call me later? I had no problem with that, I just thought Edgar’s inexplicable disappearance from social media was a bad portent. He texted me later that it was too late to call me, could he do it tomorrow? Of course, Edgar may have been many things, but he never was anything but trustworthy to me.

When he did call me back the next morning, there was some hesitation on both our sides. What I loved is that when I told him about my reason for calling him, he didn’t say anything that seemed skeptical. Whenever I tell people I have social anxiety, they seem to disbelieve me… probably because it took me so long to figure out what it was. Edgar wasn’t like that, he seemed to understand the dichotomy of my personality in that it’s large when I’m in performance mode, but sullen and withdrawn when I’m alone. I also remember that he used to shield me. Maybe that’s why I took so long to get over him.

The conversation was pleasantries, some of it was a bid saddening simply because he felt he’d wronged me. I love Edgar deeply and I have never felt less-wronged by anyone in my life. Not even Joe or Richard can claim greater grace from me than he can. We made plans to get together the night of the Stevie Nicks concert. I could actually hear his smile when I told him I was going.

As we were hanging up, he called me “babe”. It was kind of jarring because he is the only person I’ve let call me that. Our relationship was so deep despite its brevity. I miss Edgar but I wonder what I miss about him. Do I miss our energy together? Because in that case, I don’t really miss Edgar as much as I miss a version of myself that is better than it is now.

But does it matter why I miss the only man I let call me “baby”?

We ended our call as we always end our calls, “I love you.” “I love you, too.” And not once has it ever felt untrue.