I'm over everybody! in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s stressful to be pregnant with no support system whatsoever and then having people be super negative!! I honestly don’t feel like anyone is on my team at all and doesn’t have anything decent to say. I’ve been feeling really alone lately and almost every time I talk to anyone they manage to piss me off and make me feel even worse about everything. I’ve been super emotional from not smoking on top of everything else going on so tonight I talked to my supposed my best friend and she said that I didn’t want kids and that I just want Eric to pay child support but not be around.

I was like no no no, let me clarify! I want both. I need him to be there for his child and that does mean financially along with emotionally. For people to say I never wanted kids..yeah I did say that mainly because I was scared and because I didn’t think it would be medically possible. I feel like everyone’s hoping I miscarry or something. Whether I wanted kids or not, I am pregnant. 6 weeks and 2 days to be exact. From the second I took the first test that came out positive immediately, I had no doubt I was going to keep my kid so it really doesn’t matter if I wanted kids or not!

Seriously I’m about ready to just completely shut everyone out because I feel like my pregnancy is going to be a lot easier that way. I asked my Mom to come over and she was supposed to today on her lunch break but called and ask me to stop by on my way to work. Okay, so it’s cool for me to go out of my way to see her but she can’t do the same for me?! My parents want a one-sided relationship with me at every fucking turn and I’m over it! My brother is still supposedly talking to his girlfriend about at least unblocking me so I can communicate with her over Facebook!? Everyone has made it pretty fucking clear that they do not want to be around for me and are really awesome at shutting me out!

Eric told me tonight that he’s severely depressed and his cancer has returned. Apparently if he doesn’t get proper treatment, he won’t live long. I don’t really know what to believe as he’s gone back and forth about this so many times that I’m wondering if he’s just scared about being a daddy. He’s been distant lately and yesterday we were to hang out but he didn’t say anything about it and tonight he said he wanted to hang out so I messaged him when I got off work and he just said “cool” so I left it alone. He later said he wanted to hang out but I let him know I’m cold and not going back out. I seriously just can’t deal with everyone’s crap at this point!

I sent my other friend money to get me a fire stick (because I turned off my cable) and she text me last night saying my money order still hasn’t come but it had only been in the mail for 3 days. Chances are, she got it and just kept it. There’s nothing I can do about it but it’s upsetting that I can’t instill even the smallest bit of trust in anyone because I always get fucked over.

At this point, I have no one. I seriously feel so alone and frustrated at everyone. I’ve asked a couple of different friends to come over every night and there’s always some reason why they can’t. I’ve literally asked for an hour of their time and I can’t even get that. I just want to know why it has to be like this.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to give a fuck about me. Most people don’t care about me and the ones that know I’m pregnant really haven’t shown much concern but have plenty of negative things to say which doesn’t help and I wish they wouldn’t care at all because it’s my child and I’m going to have it regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I think it’s bullshit people can tell me congrats but then tell me I didn’t want kids and I just want a paycheck from baby daddy. Like wow. If they can say this kind of shit to my face, I can only imagine what they’ve said behind my fucking back!

Work was pissing me off tonight. We of course didn’t have enough people and they were trying to get me to stay late and do even more than I already do! One actually said, “well, if you want the hours”…I was like no I don’t actually and it would have been nice for someone to TELL ME what the fuck is going on! I just want to get further along so that I can tell everyone I’m pregnant so they understand they will have to find someone else to dump everything on. I’ve been told for 3 years now that “we don’t have anyone else” and guess what?! I’m not going to do the work of 2-3 people because I’m not physically able anymore!! I was trying to not be there at all tonight and still had to work and then they wanted me to stay late and do a bunch of shit, yeah probably fucking not!!!!

I’m just ready to run away or at least deactivate Facebook and hide in my apartment for like a week. I’m just fucking over everything!!! I have been feeling really down and out the past few days and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy about having a baby and it’s hard to when no one has anything nice to say about it! Fuck them! I’ve waited my whole life for this and NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY FUCKING JOY!!!