~Octopussy~ Forever in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Well, remaining single didn't last for long. Not only am I no longer single but I'm not that upset about it. I've actually settled into it quite respectably. He's extremely patient with all my foibles and exhibits poise when I'm being awful, which is quite often, I'm afraid. I wasn't aware of how much patience is required to be in a relationship, but it really is quite remarkable. It's a completely different entity than when I was with Edgar or Shawn, simply because there's no stress involved. With Shawn, our distance caused such a strain that we couldn't actually ever enjoy anything. And Edgar was too incomplete in his head to actually trust himself enough to go with it.

Cesar is quite different. He's patient and understanding. There's just one thing... I don't see myself with him. He's not what I look for in a man at all, in fact, he's quite the opposite. I hate myself for not being satisfied despite the fact that when we are together I am satisfied. I'm not ashamed to hold his hand or show affection. I'm not ashamed to talk about him with anyone. All of that is completely new. My aunt tells me to go with it because it's a good experience for me to live openly. I cannot help feeling disappointed in myself for not feeling more... even though I feel the most I've felt in a long time.

My passion for Edgar was a sparkler that shone bright against the darkness but was destined to fade quickly. With Cesar, it's a never-ending wick on a slow burning candle; the light is not as bright but it's more constant although more fragile.

I went to a job interview this morning and I realized how much I have actually learned in college. It was quite shocking because all this time I've assumed that I don't get anything out of it, but I totally saw that this company was feeding me bullshit. In fact, my back stood up like a cat when the secretary insisted that I put my name-tag on the right side... It MUST be the right. Everything was about family, children, having a wife, the great things Jesus does in our company... It took every ounce of effort I had not to smart-off right then and there. But I listened to the company's presentation and quickly realized that I was being wheeled and deal'd. It was quite disappointing because I was hoping for something else to do besides tutoring.

My best friend Richard came and stayed with me for several days. We've been friends for 10 years now and have seen each other through some pretty rough times. It felt good to have someone who knows me back in my life, but I once again needed my space after just a short amount of time with him. I got a real thrill, though, when Richard met Cesar and they started giggling and laughing and talking... I had no idea what they were talking about, but something sure was funny. I've read others who feel jealousy over situations like that and I just felt extremely comforted. They are both such social creatures that having one of them exhausts me to the breaking point, but when they have each other, I can relax with my gin and tonic and not have to deal with it! It's wonderful.

When I was updating my aunt on the situation with Cesar, I told her the whole story about Joe and losing my virginity and his death. I've written the story on here, but I haven't ever told the story. As I spoke, I started remembering specific details about that time and part of me felt like I was back in 1999. That was such a good time and I really had no idea how good it was.

Suddenly, it was all over and I left my home. I haven't felt like I've had a home since. But the fun and fear that I felt at the time was so amazing, it's amazing that it has sustained me all these years... because telling that story reminded me that, make no mistake, when Joe called me ~Octopussy~, he was speaking a prophecy over my life that would shape me for years to come. That wasn't just a nick name, it was my future.

Cesar gets that. I think that's why, despite all of my misgivings, I'm happy with him. Richard gets that. It's why we've stuck by each other for 10 years. Not everyone gets that I will be ~Octopussy~ forever.