11/27 in 2016

thanksgiving break ends in approximately 6 hours and i have nothing to show for it. i have 5 papers, a quiz, a presentation, and a few smaller assignments to do in the next two weeks before exams start. i have community service due in 3 days that i haven’t started.

but i had fun this week. my mental health was actually doing okay. i managed to see my friends, family, and i worked some. i’m starting to regret not doing any homework. at this point i feel like i’m not even going to graduate this semester like i planned. these next 3 weeks are going to feel like an endless panic attack and i’m not prepared. i’m so tired of feeling anxious, upset, and useless because of school. i don’t know what i’m doing with my life. i have no real plan. at my best i’m happy and hopeful and excited for big things to happen. at my worst i don’t even really want to exist. i don’t necessarily want to kill myself but i don’t want to be alive. that is sort of how i feel right now.

like what the fuck is wrong with me? i can’t stand the idea of graduating, moving back home, trying to find a better paying job, saving money for my future, and applying to grad schools. i’m filled with dread just thinking about it. i know what makes me happy - not caring about anything. self care is probably what i really need along with some more intense therapy. i had my first counseling session a few weeks ago, which i mentioned in my last entry. i have another one wednesday. i don’t know if it’ll help me.

cole got to meet my entire family over the holiday and i think it went really well. my grandma told my sister that i’m different now that i’ve started dating him. happier. better, maybe, even if that wasn’t the word she used. i’m still trying to figure out how i feel about that. it’s probably true.

i know that i should focus on school, bettering myself, figuring out my future, etc. instead of worrying about my relationship - which i spend a good amount of time doing. questions like why doesn’t cole ever seem to want to touch me? why haven’t we had sex? why do my feelings get hurt so easily? why do i care so much? always float around in my head. i should’ve actually went to all my classes and studied hard this semester to avoid this fucking stress i’m under right now but i don’t make good decisions.

i feel like i’m getting mixed signals from my own boyfriend. he meets my family, spends time with me, always texts me, picks me up when i’m drunk, says he loves me - but he doesn’t let me kiss him very much. he never wants to get physical. this week i’m not going to his apartment to see him and i’m somewhat relieved. every week i put myself through the “will we or won’t we?” game of physical intimacy. i’m tired of trying so hard. i’m tired of feeling like i’m not pretty, sexy, or good enough. i just want to feel WANTED.

if this situation were reversed, and this was my friend talking and not me, i would tell her to talk to him about it. i have. i get the same reply every time - he’s not an affectionate person, he never really likes being touched, etc. i would tell my friend that those answers are not good enough. you need to break up with him. and maybe i SHOULD break up with him. but i don’t know if i can. the thought of it kills me. i would rather him break my heart instead of me having to end it up.

all i know is that i’m 22 and life shouldn’t feel this difficult. i want to have fun. i want to know what it’s like to not be exhausted, anxious, and crying all the damn time.