I'm a mental case in Vulnerability

Oh MAN today was a tough day for me, mentally. It probably compounded because last night I just could not get to sleep, despite trying to close my eyes around 10pm. It was nearing 2am and I still hadn’t fallen asleep. I was just laying there with my eyes closed but my mind running amuck. Normally that leads into a sleep for me and the dreams take over whichever way they damn well want to. And I had to be up to start work at 6:30am. Anyway, I did manage to nab a few hours, but fuck it was hard getting out of bed. I’m generally okay with anything over 5 and a half/6 hours, but 3 hours was cutting it.

And work’s just been overload the past few weeks, with way too much workload for me to cope with. Today, I burst into tears whilst crushing my cardboard in the compactor LOL. I was so embarrassed that a co-working might choose that moment to talk to me and I just kept my head down and blinked back the tears.

I have a little mini holiday coming up next weekend (my birthday weekend and mini-Darwin-trip) but I feel like I need an actual holiday, like at least a week or two. Technically I’m only working a day and a half next week, so if I can trick my brain into thinking those two shifts are part of a vacation (HA!) then I’ll probably be a lot better mentally.
But nope, not today.

Even during my break, I took it outside and went and sat in the park. Today is a 10% off staff day, which they do every so often, so I opted to buy lunch, even though I’ve been trying to take it to work this week so that I don’t spend so much on my breaks. It’s so easy to do so working in a supermarket. I just grab whatever I need at the end of a shift and go home and make dinner etc. But today was the little extra discount so I had my excuse. Anyway, I went and sat in the park with the birds and almost burst into tears again lol.
And then I read on my phone about the 13yo boy who committed suicide earlier in the week because he was bullied at school for being gay. Fucking 13!!! He had his whole life ahead of him. And of course there’s this cute picture of an everyday boy, smiling away. His mother said he was an effeminate boy but that the bullying had eventually gotten to him. Only a month ago, he had been whacked across the face with a fence paling and required surgery :(
And the school claims that no bullying was reported to them. I find that fucking hard to believe. He was hit across the face with a plank of wood! And this was at Aspley State High School. I used to live near there. Fucking unreal.

Anyway, so that was shit. That was my second cry of the day, reading that. I found myself Googling ways to ask the doctor if I have depression. And even that put me off because there’s so many branches of it and then he might refer me to a psychologist and fuck knows how expensive they can be, which would totally add to my depression lol. I then went on BeyondBlue and read a few articles about it and apparently Medicare does this 10-free visits thing to a therapist, so I’m not sure how that works.

I decided after work that I was gonna go to the pool. I haven’t been in almost a year now. I knew I had a few passes left on my pass, but when I scanned it the lady said my card had expired. “I didn’t know it HAD an expiry date!” I said to her.
Luckily she was nice and added three to it (which was how many I was sure I had left on it) and extended my pass to the end of the year, so basically I have 4 weeks to use the other 3 passes, which I’m pretty sure I can do, if I just go the next few Fridays.

The water was incredible. Oh my God, orgasmic-incredible. I just jumped straight in from the side and it wasn’t overly busy. Only really one or two people swimming in the slow-lane at a time, and I only really wanted to cool off so I’d only do a half lap and then climb out and go back to my towel to sit in the sun. I’m so white I’m like an albino. It’s embarrassing being so close to Summer and I look like Casper. So there’s a couple of guys tanned to the max tanning away on their towels and I take my shirt off and blind everyone with my whiteness.
Anyway, I think the sunscreen did it’s job. I don’t feel sunburnt so I must have gotten everywhere.

I then stopped in at BWS on the walk home and stocked up on some more booze (hello 10% day!) and now I’m home, about to go out again and get supplies because today is the day to do so. I really need to stop adding to my credit card. I watered my landlord’s garden again since his pump is broken and he still hasn’t gotten his pump-guy out to fix it.

One of my housemates broke the washing machine last week also, so a guy is coming out sometime on Monday to fix it. I know what the problem is. The catch has broken from the door being slammed too hard. Of course it was Mr. Nobody who did it. I went to use it after work last Sunday and couldn’t because it had been snapped off.
So some guy from the washing machine company is charging an $88 call-out fee, plus $9.90 per 6 minutes to fix it, and only accepts cash or card on the day, so Andrew’s sent us an email telling me and Nick to foot the bill. He’s of the idea that since we use it all the time, we should have to pay for it. I think that’s the way it works in the UK, but it’s not the way it works here in Australia. If something is broken, it’s the landlord’s responsibility to get it fixed. We don’t pay him fucking rent for nothing! He won’t be getting rent if he’s expecting me to pay for the damn thing. I didn’t fucking break it. But I know I’m gonna have to initially pay for it, because can’t imagine Nick handing over $120+ at the best of times.
Guess we’ll see come Monday.
I’m getting sick of having to hang around the house on my day’s off for damn tradespeople to turn up. I told Andrew they’d better be here next week because I ain’t here the week after!

I’m still contemplating if I should extend the Darwin trip, since it will be pretty whirlwind, arriving midnight Sunday/Monday and departing midnight Tuesday/Wednesday. I’ve booked 3 nights and am technically paying for 2 of them (since I arrive after midnight I had to book the night before so that I can go to sleep at the hotel, and when I depart it’s paid for until checkout at 10AM, but I’ll be leaving around 10PM Tuesday so that’s another 12-hours wasted), so if I were to extend it, I’d only have to change the return flight, although knowing it was an el-cheapo Tiger airfare, they probably won’t let me, so maybe I should just leave the trip as it is? I know I will get a lot done but I’m also aware of how hot a Darwin Summer day is, so I’ll probably be limited to a few hours in the morning and afternoon/evening to explore. if I extend it an extra day, I’d just have to sleep on the plane because I would have work that day. The plane would arrive back in Brisbane around 5:30am and I’ll have work at 11am. I could even get a few hour hours shut-eye in? Although that could be risky. If I leave it as it is, I’ll already be home and have the extra night’s proper sleep in my own bed.

Either way, next week should be kinda cool. I still haven’t organised anything for my actual birthday.