List Based and NoJoMo in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

As it highlights my current moods and accidental compartmental-mentality (which I hereby deem as CompartMentality) I shall share this as a list concept then follow up with NoJoMo Prompt for 11/23

• Apathy. The standard definition for the term is “a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.” Psychologically speaking, apathy is defined as “a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotion such as concern, excitement, motivation and/or passion.” I’m spending considerably more of my time in Apathy and it is never a good sign. Apathy (for me) typically comes after Rage, Sorrow, or any deeply felt emotion of helplessness that is perpetuated over an extended period of time. Apathy, then, exists as the hollow emptiness of “as close as I get to giving up.” I don’t give up, I can’t give up. Too many years of living in physical pain and pushing ahead have conspired to create an emotional resolve bordering on psychotic. Thus, I never truly consider “quitting on myself” but Apathy is pretty damned close. And I am VERY apathetic today. I woke up with no interest or concern as to life in general. Work deadlines? They don’t really matter to anyone, so why the hell should I care? Court sessions? It isn’t done right, the people never learn or face any consequences, and there is no real community to protect… so what do I care? After work tonight? Wife works, so I can look forward to another night of reading or video games or television… the same thing I do most nights as this entire town officially closes for business around 6:00 p.m. Thus… who cares about that. Even Thanksgiving. The opportunity to see family and puppies. No real interest. Wife works all of Thursday. So I’ll see family for about 6 hours on Friday before we have to drive back here since Wife works Saturday. Just a big old mess of nihilistic apathy.
  

• That being said… there is something that causes a feeling. But as with so much in this community, as with so much about me in the last few years, as with so much in life in the year 2016… that thing which causes a feeling is only a negative feeling. Fear. Wife and I were talking again last night. She’s already looking around the house considering what we need to get rid of before we move again. And when I consider that… then I feel fear. Not because moving worries me in itself. Leaving this place, for so many reasons, will be a level of salvation I’ve not felt since getting into Law School. But there is no excitement or hope of joy upon thinking of moving. The only feeling is fear. Because… I tried for two years straight to get a job and all I got was the one I’m in… this twisted nightmare county that (even in Lawyer Circles) has a reputation for being depressingly horrid. So after two years, I got this job and took a 4 month break on the Job Search. I’ve been back into it hardcore. To the point where I’ve been looking for work for almost 30 months (all things considered). I’ve put out over 150 resumes/applications. Nothing. That is why I fear. To the point of absolute complete dread. I hate to sound over dramatic but… when I consider moving away from this place to a place with a higher cost of living and NO JOB… I feel dread akin to when I was 17 and honestly worried if Ex Girlfriend was going to “surprise me” with a loaded gun pointed at me. That kind of fear envelops me when I consider the “upcoming move.” Even though it can’t/won’t happen for another 5 months or so. Sincerely… the thought of moving without a job… moving without even so much as an unpaid internship… it is an icy fear gripping my heart and stabbing my gut.

• As dour as my Prosebox has been (the problem when you start a journal to attempt to figure out a life as it falls apart) I do wish everyone here a pleasant Thanksgiving! Or… as the PETA Calendar my boss gave me says I do wish everyone here a pleasant “Thanksgiving is Murder on Turkeys” Day! Eyeroll. PETA, ladies and gentlemen. An organization that spends the lion’s share of their budget on advertisements and have been convicted of animal abuse “for the sake of the message.” Because… seriously… if I’m going to make Thanksgiving a Protest Holiday for any reason… it will be to mention that North Dakota’s government is trying to steal and poison sacred land from Native Americans in order to profit a Foreign Oil Conglomerate. But you go right ahead and keep giving money to PETA.
  

• NOJOMO 23

Write about “the one that got away”.

I can effectively (though, arguably) write 4 stories here. Because… I spend/spent far too much of my life trying to find Mrs. Right… and spending far too much of my time trying to avoid Mrs. RightNow. IF I ever finish my Drafted story; you’ll hear all about all of the various woman I attempted to court and why it was such a big deal. But 90 Second Reason: My parents were High School Sweethearts who married on Valentine’s Day and still know “their” song by heart. Hell, my parents started dating when they were 15 or 16 and this year my mom sent out a Facebook Anniversary thing of their first date. Their first date! They are 65 now and Mom’s celebrating the anniversary of their first date! This is the kind of romance, lovey dovey world I grew up in. Then add that my favorite entertainments were Saved by the Bell (Zach & Kelly 4ever), Boy Meets World (Cory & Topanga 4ever) and Comic Books (relationships are complicated but worthwhile)… yeah, I was destined to be a little over-obsessed with trying to find The Right Woman.

1) Buffy. Buffy was the best woman I’ve ever dated and is still one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known. I don’t think we were destined to be together at all because God has worked miracles in her life all over the place (whereas mine is… what it is). Buffy is a beautiful, strong, amazing woman who spends all of her time serving others and has a job where she spends all of her time helping under privileged Native American Communities work on Business Growth and Community Outreach. And no, Buffy isn’t Native American at all… mostly German and Irish. This is just how big her heart and desire to be quality is. THEN she gets hit with Cancer. Fights it like a champ, never complains, stays dedicated to other people. THEN she has a baby with her husband who adores her and has an equally fantastic heart. I consider her “one that got away” not because we were destined or our love was powerfully epic.... I consider her “one that got away” because even though we’re still friends… her spirit and energy are sorely missed. She is, as an individual, the exact opposite of my community.

2) Aoife. Because who here didn’t think she’d have a spot on this list at all. This is a complicated one, of course, because with time and absence, fondness and a false image of what we had has grown. I’ll cop to that without argument. But… as there are only two women who genuinely made me feel wanted… Aoife was the smarter, saner, more attractive one who shared a lot more of my common interests. Even considering the myriad of difficulties we had (and would have continued to have), I do feel like I can say confidently if there is one who sincerely is “The One Who Got Away” it would be Aoife.

3) The first woman I really dated in college deserves a spot on this list. We both wanted The White Picket Fence future and we liked each other well enough. She was attractive, funny, emotional, and sporty. Really just looking for someone she loved to start a family with. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that guy. Despite proving numerous times that I was willing to do romantic gestures and put forth a significant effort; it appeared that I was not the man she wanted to be with. After several attempts of her trying to hide our relationship from people close to her, we began arguing a great deal. She broke up with me and then quickly wanted to be friends again. It seemed, at that point, very clear to me that I had been far more invested in the relationship than she had been. HOWEVER the good news to come out of that was, inadvertently, she helped me get diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As my emotional coping abilities had reached a far too stressed limit between Work (FT), College(FT) and Boyfriend (FT)… when things fell apart, they fell apart HARD. And it helped me go to a doctor who informed me that, no… most people do not feel constant physical pain every day… that is not a “standard part of the human condition.”

4) This one is controversial as fuck and shouldn’t really be on this list. But I’m putting her on this list because my decision and reaction to this woman directly led to me dating the woman who is now my wife. How shall I dub thee? Let us call her “Molly” for reasons which may become apparent. One of my best friends (female) had met Molly while spending 3 months in Greece. They had become inseparable friends and I thought strongly “Any friend of ....” When I met Molly, there was… like… a pulse. One of those Life Altering Moments where you know nothing will ever be the same again. This woman WAS somebody… or at least was going to play a significant role in my life somehow. Of that I was certain. She wasn’t my “usual type” but… honestly… that is because I don’t quickly rush to seductive women. Molly had blonde hair, great body, quality rack, and an amazing fashion sense. AND she was into all of the same music and most of the same entertainment things I liked. I was thrilled that this woman became part of our College Friend Group. UNTIL… the issues popped up. Molly had been in a long term abusive relationship. A relationship where her husband had treated her like shit, and then would make her do sexual activities she wasn’t comfortable with. They had finally gotten divorced and Molly was liberated! Like… something out of a Hollywood Movie liberated. Drugs… took em, sold em, carried them on her person. Sex… whoever, however, whenever. To the point where her cell phone contacts list read as “Fuckboys and Girlfriends.” AND YET… she and I still had something. We still had a friendship that developed into conversations and movie dates and other great times. I was seriously, very seriously weighing the options. Could I justify dating someone that actively took and distributed ecstasy? Could I be okay losing my virginity to someone who had such a cavalier view of sex? Would she even want to have sex with me considering my inexperience? Would she agree to a monogamous relationship or would I just be another Fuck Boy? I wrestled with these questions for months. During that time, Molly’s friend and co-worker started hanging around. We met at a dance club and she struck me as a significantly toned down version of Molly. Only weed, no hard drugs. Long sexual history, but a monogamy addict jumping from one relationship to another. Not as “electrically seductive” as Molly, but still attractive and less intimidating. You may have pieced it together but… that is the woman I ended up marrying. I was trying to consider between Molly (with a dozen questions and doubts) when Molly’s friend comes along and pursues me… and ends up marrying me.

So that is my NoJoMo 23.

Last updated November 23, 2016