A letter to her in The Present

Dear you,

I have tried very hard for the last 2.5 years to be the bigger person, to show grace and maturity, to be understanding. During this time, I have tried to embrace you, your friendship, and your friendship with my husband. I did this because it was what he wanted, what you wanted, what I though I wanted,and what I thought was the most Christian thing to do.

I have absolutely nothing against you personally; perhaps if this situation had not gone down as such, we could have been friends. But it did, and unfortunately, you represent something very painful and hurtful to me. I have a very difficult time getting past that.

I have been putting others before myself for so long, I didn’t even realize how much damage I was doing to myself. I’m coming to terms with this in all aspects of my life. I’m tired of being unhappy and feeling like a shell of a human being, so I’m attempting to examine all parts of my life and fix what I can control.

It’s true that initially I thought our friendship was beneficial to me, and maybe it was. Or maybe I only thought that because it was my way of fitting into the scenario set up between the two of you. In hindsight, though, I see where I have been damaging my psyche over and over again.

I feel bad doing this right now; you have a terrible road ahead of you with your physical recovery. I don’t want to you to feel at fault for me feeling this way, even though I know you will.

We’ve all said our peace with regards to the situation, and I’ve forgiven both of you for what happened. But now I need space. I’ve been putting band aids on wounds that require many stitches. I need healing, and unfortunately, I’m not sure I can get that if we remain in contact. I wish you the best in all you set forth to do. Maybe, eventually, I’ll feel comfortable reaching back out to you, but for now, I just can’t.

I have not sent this (nor will I), but it feels good to get it out.