A Jar of Balloons Survey, 2014 Edition in My Unpredictable Life ...

A survey concocted by the talented james ensor is making the rounds, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else and provide my two-cents worth with my first Prosebox survey!

A Jar of Balloons Survey, 2014 Edition

1) Will you agree to let a lover use your toothbrush? Why or why not?

Uh, no. To me, that's just gross. Especially if you have children. Unless you can prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that your child(ren) did NOT use YOUR toothbrush to clean the dog's ass with, then, no thank you. I'll bring my own.

2) In your bad dreams do you ever throw the slow motion punch?

No. In my bad dreams of bad dreams, I am always the one being punched and it is all I can do to block the punches.

3) Do you eat or give away pickles?

I eat them. I steal them from you. I hoard them. Come near my pickles, you die.

4) Do you match and ball socks or just dump them, en masse, into the drawer?

I fold them, then ball them, and very gently and lovingly place them in a drawer in a neat and tidy order.

5) Do you bisect your sevens with one of those squiggly hyphens? When writing the number 2 do you loop the bottom?

Since I am no longer 12, and haven't been for many years, no, I do not do either.

6) When eating out, do you set your knife atop your plate and change hands?

Yes. If I don't, my Grandmother will come back from the grave and pop my knuckles with a wooden ruler. And then I will have to listen to her "proper etiquette" speech, yet again. Old School Southern Ladies don't play when it comes to Etiquette.

7) Do you tear into wrapped presents or open them neatly with the spoken intent to save the paper?

I savor the moment. Opening a gift is such a rare treat for me and I want the moment to last as long as possible. Even if it is just in a bag with a wad of tissue paper balled up on top of the gift.

8) Would you rather drive or be driven?

I'd rather be driven. So much of my day to day is spent being "The one in charge". I need a break every once in a while. Especially since I am always the one chauffeuring our daughter around.

9) Do you engage strangers in conversations on airplanes? If no, it's odd, isn't it, when the time comes to accept peanut packets or order sodas and you hear their voices?

A) I don't fly. I keep my feet as close to the ground as possible, thank you very much. B) I prefer solitude C) respect The [personal] Bubble, People. D) I don't fly.

10) Do you own a bathrobe?

Yes. Multiples in different colors and fabrics. What? Doesn't everybody?

11) Are they still there, those ascending horizontal lines that marked your growth as a child up a wall or a door?

No. We didn't do "normal family activities" when I was growing up. Of course, it doesn't help that I've been the same height since I was 12, either.

12) Can you write at all with your opposite hand?

Yes, yes I can. And very well I might add. Of course it helped that I broke my wrist when I was 14 and had to write with my opposite hand for 8 weeks.

13) Do audiences affect your attempts to urinate or parallel park?

Not that an audience affects my attempts to urinate, per se, but being a Mom means never being able to pee without an audience. What does a Mom have to do around here to be able to PIP (pee in peace)?? Sheesh! I mean, seriously, would it kill a kid or a dog or even a husband to let me PIP for just 2 minutes? TWO minutes is all I ask for! I promise I won't have any fun without you! I won't run away with the Tidy Bowl Man! I won't just magically piss a dog treat for you! I won't try to sneak in a chocolate candy bar to cram down my throat in that 2 minutes. Okay, maybe I will do that but I earned that Snickers bar, damnit!

14) Do you bookmark or dog-ear your books?

I use a bookmark. How dare anyone dog-ear a book! Books are precious children that should be treated with the utmost respect! I will take your book and hide it from you if you dog-ear it! You don't deserve it! LOVE the book, People's, LOVE the book! And don't you even dare to think to ask me if you can borrow any of mine if you are a known dog-earer of books!

15) Do you mind fighting losing battles?

I always root for the under dog. How else could miracles be performed? How else would we gain our faith in humanity?

16) Do you check the dates on coins?

No. Am I supposed to?

17) Do you like to be the one who holds the tickets (for airplanes, movies, etc.)?

Yes. Because you might lose them and then I would be screwed. If you want to hold your own ticket, fine, but give me my damn ticket, thank you very much.

18) Can you sleep with socks on?

No. No, no, no. I can't stand to wear anything on my feet. I am unable to sleep with covers covering my feet. You can take the Girl out of Redneck country but you can't take the Redneck out of the Girl ...

19) Are you a sucker for foreign accents?

I was before I lived in England for 4 years. Now it is a matter of "been there, heard that, not so impressed with it anymore."

20) Are you skilled at giving directions?

Most definitely. I have to be able to give accurate directions for my job. I'm pretty anal about it too. If I hear someone giving wrong, or not accurate enough directions, I will correct them, politeness be damned.

21) Is your name frequently mispronounced?

Mispronounced, misspelled, you name it, it is butchered. My Mom thought it would be "cute" to spell my "commonly pronounced name" differently. She obviously spent one day too many at Woodstock. It's not cute. At all. And for shits and giggles she did the same damn thing with my middle name too. Hi, you can just call me Sassy. Nice to meet you.

22) Do you attempt to pronounce foreign words correctly, such as calling a crescent-shaped roll a cwaSAHN?

Imagine Larry The Cable Guy trying to pronounce "cwaSAHN" and just exchange my image for his. I have a hard enough time talking as it is, I don't do foreign words. Even when I toured Europe. It was a hopeless cause. It was "piss-yourself-funny-as-hell" but hopeless.

23) Do you think grades in school mattered?

Is that what those letters and numbers meant? I learned more from the streets than I did in school.

24) Can you tie a tie? What about a bowtie?

A tie, yes. Another one of those "Southern Lady Etiquette's" my Grandmother instilled in me. Also, women wearing ties were all the rage back in the 80's so I had my own nice little collection of them. But not a bow tie. Granny felt those were for ... well never mind that. But I can clip on a bow tie like no one's business!

25) Does making a good list ever feel like an accomplishment in itself?

Yes. God, yes! I can't survive with a list of some sort.

26) Have you ever been on fire?

Physically, no. Fire equals hot. Hot equals don't touch. Duh! But this one time, back in the day, waayyyyyy back in the day, like 20+ years ago back in the day, before Hubby and children back in the day, a guy once told me I was "smokin' HOT!" so does that count?

27) Are your faucets tricky to the point where were an out-of-towner to use your shower, you'd feel the need to give a tutorial?

I'm all about making memories. So why would I deny my guest the chance to experience the faucet coming out of the wall when you lift the thingy to turn the shower on if you don't have a tight hold on the faucet?

28) Do you tend (or did you tend) to date people older or younger than yourself?

This is tricky for me to answer. Before Hubby, I always preferred 2 years max older than me. If I were to find myself single now, the "new guy" would have to be in his 20's because any man close to my age or older would represent my mother's step-father at the age he started molesting me and that is a road I won't travel down. Call it fucked up if you will. But it is what it is, in my screwed up head. Luckily for Hubby, I will always see him as the freshly turned 21 year old I met, in my mind's eye. But yeah, if I am ever single again, I will forever be known as the single, crazy cat lady. Besides, all of Hubby's past deployments taught me that I don't need a man. I learned real quick how to take care of myself ... in more ways than one.

29) When walking or driving with a companion in a place where your companion is familiar and you are not, do you tend not to pay any attention whatsoever?

I pay attention. Beware of your surroundings, People's! (You can take the wife out of the military ...)

30) Do the number of beaches you've been on exceed your fingers?

I grew up less than 30 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean. As for "different" beaches, it is probably less than the fingers on both hands. Including England's shores. And France's. One day I would love to see the Pacific Ocean and photograph a true and proper sunset.