Insert Girder in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Today… I am hollow.
I just feel… devoid. Like this county has crawled inside of me and affected my spirit the way it has affected everything else. This… hollow… numb… apathetic… acceptance. I don’t like it. It feels rather a bit like the zombie servants in The Dark Crystal. Just… beaten down figures going through the motions of service and existence. But of course… it backfires. I need to care about something… be inspired or inflamed… to be motivated to do it. So this hollow feeling makes me just… want to sit in my office… do nothing… and tell this county to sod off.

Which is funny in a way. Last night right before leaving, I got a Job Open Alert on my phone. A new job had just been posted to Indeed.com that I might be interested in. It is… too good to be true. It would bring Wife and I home and it involves working with a large team of experienced attorneys who are willing and able to train new talent and it means almost $20k more. So, yeah, of course I applied. But the genuine truth is… it is a Hail Mary. It is a choice position so dozens of remarkably qualified applicants will apply. And, as is true in so many cases, the job was probably posted even though the hiring agency likely had a candidate in mind anyway. As I explained to Wife… the joy of it is offset by the impossibility of it, like finding out you are a direct blood relation to Santa Clause. Here’s where it gets funny…

It inspired a strange, if long, conversation between me and God. I thanked him for putting something in my path that would inspire hope. I asked him to help if he was willing. And then my cynicism took over. And I started really putting it on. Because what if this isn’t “hope and inspiration?” What if this is just yet another screw to me. A whole “Hey, you’re pretty down right now. Buck up. So I can drop you down more.” Because I have long said… the Human Spirit is incredibly resilient. And has deep wells of coping mechanisms. If you wish to truly break someone… constant bad will eventually be managed. People who are always in a bad situation go numb, or develop coping mechanisms. In order for the spirit to truly break, periodically one must introduce hope. Introduce hope, then snatch it away. It is the emotional reprieve from bad that would allow the subject to abandon their coping mechanisms long enough that the return of bad will still have an effect. And I can certainly see that being the case here. After several bad years in a row… I wind up in a place of corruption, hopelessness, and destruction. As other people evacuate and find opportunities in bigger places where they can continue their careers; I am stuck here and The Board keeps shoveling shit on. Then, the Country At Large loses its freaking mind. And the Board keeps shoveling shit on. And… I’m tired. I’m tired and I don’t want to play anymore. So this “miracle of hope, but impossibility of hiring” issue would be just the thing to say, “No, no. Stop being tired, look at this opportunity.” So… yeah. God and I had it out a little. Especially in why he’s saved my life so much if this is where it goes. He saved me from death at birth. He saved my ability to bare children when I was a lad. He saved me from suicide when I was a teen. Just to… have me experience incurable physical pain for every day of my life. Just to… put me in a place of abject destitution and desolation. Rather a bit like the old anti-Conservative line… “It makes no sense to be Pro Life if you don’t do anything for the child once it is born.” Well… God routinely keeps me alive. Because a lot of those experiences can be whittled down to fate or good timing or the ineffable things of which no human can control. But then you look at the other stuff. Which also can be whittled down to fate or bad timing or the ineffable things of which no human can control.

So last night I was on my best behavior as a Thank You to God/Fate for putting something potentially positive in my path. Did a bang up job cleaning the house, did loads of dishes and laundry, and in every way I could… demonstrated that I could be a mature, stable adult. But waking up… putting on my pants… coming back to this office… just shows that “hope” is not sustainable in a place of such powerful hopelessness.

NoJoMo 15

What is the most unusual way you were introduced to one of your favorite songs?

I want to share two stories on this because neither one really seems all THAT unusual.

First, the movie Sin City had me really excited. The black and white approach, along with many other elements, made it seem like finally a Comic Book Movie did what it needed to. It said, “We’re not creating storyboards for the film because they already exist. Look at the comic book. THERE is your storyboarding. Now film it.” So I was really excited for the movie. Then, the trailers had this kick ass song “Cells” by The Servant. I loved that song… mixed with the trailer… it was amazing. So I bought the soundtrack as soon as it came out. And “Cells” was not on the Soundtrack! :( Instead they had “Absurd” by Fluke. Also a good song but… certainly not what got me excited about the soundtrack.

In a similar fashion… when I was a kid, I loved soundtracks. They were my favorite albums for so many reasons. You would get several different types of music (so good for almost any mood) and if it was a really well done soundtrack, it would also tap into the appreciation for the movie. HERE’S the problem. Anytime I asked for a soundtrack for Christmas or my birthday… my mom would always buy the score. She was an orchestra teacher and said that if you liked the movie, you’ll want the music FROM the movie… not “from and inspired by.” It makes sense but… it was always weird. So when I asked for the soundtrack to Mission Impossible 2 (Limp Bizket, Metallica, Rob Zombie, etc).... again Mom bought me the score. But some of those songs were really good!