Stuff in Packrat

I VOTED FOR HILLARY and am not a part of the mad descent into Hell caused by the bigoted, racist, sexist brain dead. I’m ashamed of this country that the orange won, that they put trash in the White House.

I cried in my hotel room when I knew the results, because I could never believe that that slimeball really had any support at all; surely people had more decency than that, more reason. I greatly underestimated stupidity. I hope they choke on what they’ve created.

I’ve been largely absent this past year because every time I came to the site to write, I thought about my little brother’s absence. He’ll be gone for the rest of my life and that of his daughter’s. Why, I wonder, are we born just to die and leave heartbroken loved ones? What power does God really have? I’m not to the point of total atheism, but I still believe in God and think he’s out there somewhere, just not where I can find him, at least not right now.

We’ve had issues with the DOT and my 80-year-old mother had to go to court to be able to see her only grandchild from her deceased son.

I went after the bitch; she filed an EPO against me because she lies; I screamed at her but didn’t go after her to hit her (although my uncle had to hold me back from her ugly primate son, and I think if I got a hold of her I could have done real damage), and she makes a 53-year-old woman 13 years her senior sound like a real bad ass. I get a kick out of that. She lost her case, even though she also lied in court; my attorney said to think of it that way - she lied but she lost.

She also found out she’s not above the law. For over a month she didn’t bring Baby to the meeting site, not even calling my mom to tell her not to come; our attorney filed contempt of court charges against her, which the judge granted, and she has to make up the days she didn’t bring Baby. Every time she tried to lie our attorney hit her with the truth, and I must say I enjoyed the show (although the poor man had to quiet my mom and me down at different times).

I have a new supervisor (again) that I like very much. In fact I had a little crush on him in our dancing days (but then, on whom DIDN’T I have a crush?). He makes me feel that he thinks I’m awesome!

The Wunderkind can drive me nuts, and I found I’m not the only one; others feel the same way for the same reasons. She’s good at her job but she wants to be seen as forceful and shades the truth; in her accounts she’s “ripping into” someone or strongly telling them off when the truth is she doesn’t address anyone, and sometimes I wonder where her head is when she relates something like that to me WHEN I’VE BEEN PRESENT and know that it isn’t as she claims. She thinks she knows it all because “she’s fresh out of college” (and 33), that nothing existed before her. I’ve lost confidence in her and decided that I can neither retire or die.

The “lost cause” mentioned in a previous recent entry is still sporadically breathing; we went to the Supreme Court, who didn’t hear our case; now a lobbyist is trying, but all his plans are basically a retread of what we already did. I’m no longer feeling as hopeful. I mentioned also that I’m not too old to have a crush, but following conversations killed that. He was too full of sweet sentiments, too syrupy; I don’t trust people like that. I told him to watch the sugar because I’m a diabetic, and he quit calling so much, although today he behaved himself until time for our goodbyes and slipped with a “honey”.

I’m getting ready to go on vacation, staying with Free Spirit. I’m tired to my bones; my mom can’t walk well at the present time, so everything - EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving to doctor appointments, plus my animal care, on top of working eight hours) - is left to me, and I get to hear how I don’t do anything and am not a caregiver. My last “vacation” I spent tending to her needs; this time she isn’t going, but my plans are no more than sitting by the ocean and sleeping.

I’ve been on the road quite a bit; I just spent the last two weeks on travel. I was supposed to go somewhere this week and again in the first of December, but I pulled out of those - one I can catch on a teleconference once all the face-to-face meetings are over, and the other wasn’t what I thought it was.

Two weeks ago I was in Wordsmith country, and I did get to spend time with him; he invited me to come on in to his house when I had free time, even though he had evening classes, but I’ve never just gone into someone’s house, not even my brother’s, except to feed his dogs and once to watch a fire while he was away. I couldn’t do it so our second long conversation was over the phone.

Someone else noticed everything I did, seemed disappointed that I wouldn’t be at the meeting this week. I’m now one of the old war horses but I felt like a filly.

At the same meeting was someone from a state agency who in the 20 years we’ve worked together also became a friend; we had dinner together and joked about things that happened when, as my counterpart said, “we were younger and better looking”. He died right after that, unexpectedly; he just turned 50. I’m going to his funeral; I already got my room and rental car, told my boss; my tribe is sending flowers because he was such a friend not only to me but the tribe. I can’t believe this sadness; even my mom exclaimed, “He was one of ours!” He and his co-worker are the only state agency that prompted me to write to the governor of their state to say “We love them!”

So again I question why we’re even here. He had met my little brother and knew of the pain we’re trying to survive; now when he reached the same age he has also left behind a mother and a sister (and a cat, who received mention even before some human family members).

I look forward to the ocean breezes cleansing my spirit of heavy grief.

The Coyote’s younger brother has puppies that are the exact miniatures of their parents - they can lift spirits just being here. You can’t go wrong with puppies!