Visions. in The Present

Yesterday we had argument #5763790 over this whole thing. I say argument because it wasn’t a happy conversation, but it’s not like we disagreed. I just get frustrated because I can’t say anything about how or why I’m feeling a certain way without him shutting down and saying it’s all his fault, he sucks. I get frustrated because his words, while true to an extent, aren’t helpful. I have to get my thoughts out, but obviously it’s not helpful telling them to him. So few of my friends know about this, I feel like I haven’t one to talk to. So thank you for listening.

Our conversation was over text yesterday, while we were both in the same room. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but 1) I was chicken shit but more importantly, 2) the kids were around and I didn’t want them to hear any of it.

For the rest of the evening, he was physically cold towards me. I needed his touch so badly, but he’d appease for one kiss and move away. I fell asleep in the chair, and he woke me up at 11:30 to go to bed. We went upstairs. I stripped down. He laid down and turned away from me. I scooted over to spoon him, sliding my hand under his shirt. He was rigid and cold. I was sure that I had ruined everything. This must be beginning of the end.

I rolled over, sad and exasperated. I needed to know that he still wanted me, needed me, but it appeared I had ruined it all. Then his hands began to wander across my body. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It felt like a wall came crashing down between us.

He took my breath away. I was felt so connected and in sync with him as I haven’t for a while. After the third time, I was spent. As he finished, though, her face appeared in my mind, judging and critiquing me; how she could have satisfied him better.

For the record, he has never compared us. He has never expressed a preference for her, sexually. But I can’t help but assume that he would if he chose being with her virtually over being with me actually. She’s younger, thinner, prettier, and more experienced than me. How could he not prefer her?

We cuddled, and he drifted off to sleep. I rolled over and for the next hour, every time I closed my eyes her face appeared.

I’m alone at all the wrong times-and can’t find solitude when I need it.