from: nov. 2010 in My Days

‘ ‘about last night..........;)

which this is.

I went out to the liquor store. The night was cold. and dark. and even though it was in the 20’s [farenheit] it didn’t feel that cold. it was perfect and yet......deeper, somehow. painful.

dry and winter and lonely. It was the kindof night I missed Michael. the kind where, i realised when I got back, I’d phone people so as not to be lonely but then say nothing. so it would be pointless.

but i don’t want to turn into ‘that girl’. the pushy ocd one. that’s gotten me into trouble before..........i’m embarassed to admit.

Something had happened at the park [oh. ‘the park’ being the park by my place]. I could tell when walking past.

I get to the liquor store, look around in search for amaretto. didn’t find any, or midiri sour. I thought, oh, well maybe the ameretto’s by the vodka since vodka’s Russian and amaretto’s. Italian. and you know, them both being international.

yeah. it wasn’t.

I also found the rum and schnapps and a crapload of wine. they have more wine than anything else I think.

I’ve never had schnapps. though, the night I got drunk over the summer, I had a shot of this peach stuff that was pretty good.

I used to, and still do, think being drunk equates to being sick-drunk. and I’m probably. wrong here. i hate that i misunderstand things like that sometimes.

[wow what a long entry on my liquor store experience]

and the brandy which reminded me of having blackberry brandy last. year........

oh but they did have coconut rum for $15.99. and i didn’t want to spend $20 [i’m rounding up here] on coconut rum.

yes I spose I could’ve asked where the amaretto was........but I don’t ask clerks. I’d rather find it myself.

The clerks, - there’r only 2 - are lovely there. they’re nice. and quiet. I think either Asian or Native American. well the guy is.

he was talking with another guy which is the other reason I didn’t ask.

Liquor stores make me nervous and I don’t know why. I’m obviously old enough to drink. hm.......maybe it has something to do with the fact that you never see ladies [because I’m classy like that] like me in liquor store. It’s always the men.

Oh, so. I did this twice. I kept going around one aisle to where boxes were stacked. [you know, usually they have an opening at the end of the aisles].

I swear..........sometimes I’m like a goldfish who keeps hittin her head against the wall. as is Homer. [Simpson].

they also overwhelm me. liquor stores, that is. because there’s so much. er. liquor. [no kidding].

I left, without getting anything. On the walk back I was following a guy. not like, “following” in that creppy stalker way.

[yes because that’s exactly the kindof thing I’d do. that was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell].

he was smokin i could smell it. I really don’t mind the smell of smoke. I associate it with Kate...........and Michael.

In high school that’s how I knew Kate was home. She’d come in[to our parents house], the living room and then up to her room. [she often came home before i did as I had play rehearsal]. and wherever she’d been in the living room smelled like smoke.

i’m one of the few people i know of who doesn’t mind the smell of smoke

While walking home I realised I wanted to drinkto escape. I never drink when things are going well.

[not that things ever go ‘well’ and even when they are I never say/think/write that. sometimes it’ll be ‘oh/well that went well’. just like, even if I’m good I’ll never answer the question ‘how are you?’ with ‘I’m good’. it’s always ‘i’m ok’ even if I’m not. Although.......I’ll go ‘I’m good’ if someone offers me something, like food or a drink. you know. ‘no man i’m cool/good’. depending on who it is that’s offering.

If it’s someone I don’t know that well, like someone my mom knows I’ll say ‘no’ and then add ‘thank you’. oh, because if I don’t add that they’ll think I’m impolite. er. maybe.

well that. last paragraph was probably more than you wanted to know........in the words of my mom]. [not that things ever go ‘well’ and even when they are I never say/think/write that. sometimes it’ll be ‘oh/well that went well’. just like, even if I’m good I’ll never answer the question ‘how are you?’ with ‘I’m good’. it’s always ‘i’m ok’ even if I’m not. Although.......I’ll go ‘I’m good’ if someone offers me something, like food or a drink. you know. ‘no man i’m cool/good’. depending on who it is that’s offering.

If it’s someone I don’t know that well, like someone my mom knows I’ll say ‘no’ and then add ‘thank you’. oh, because if I don’t add that they’ll think I’m impolite. er. maybe.

well that. last paragraph was probably more than you wanted to know........in the words of my mom]. ‘