from: march 2010 in My Days

‘ ‘.....hope so.” - Michael.

We were at a buffet. I realise how obvious the quote is. I’m always amazed that they have food at grocery stores, too. Again, yes, obvious.

But I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks, so. By which I mean buying fruit, Triscuits, hummus, pasta, yogurt, etc.....all in one trip.

I think it’s good that I was excited about that.

And in my defence, I’m in recovery from an eating disorder.

[This reminds me of when my friend Susie came over; I told her I’d made muffins; I was all proud. She laughed. I explained. She got it].

I’d really like if my most recent entries were noted, as, for the most part, I like reading the notes.

So, I’m going to write about my day.

Today wasn’t off to a very good start, as I haven’t been getting much sleep. And when I have it’s been during the day.

While I was trying to sleep this morning, I heard something that sounded like rain. I wasn’t too sure what it was, as it never rains here. Except for June 2009, when we, amazingly enough, got about 3 feet of rain. In all my years I have never seen it rain that much. Unlike Florida, where, not only does it rain, but there’s also water everywhere. And coming from the land of virtually very little rain........yeah, you can see why that would surprise me.

Oh, turned out it was rain. It stopped after about 10 minutes.

I read for a bit, got ready, had some peppermint tea and read some more. At 2:30 Michael picked me up. After ‘hi’, the first thing he asked me was ‘where do you want to go?’. We went to Wash Park, talking about siblings, animals and whatnot. Shared memories. We walked around; the geese were beautiful. I’m trying to not be as afraid of geese. Actually, Michael talked. Apparently, when I shut up people......talk.

We stopped at the.....dock. thing, that’s over part of one of the 2 lakes. I didn’t sit down because everything was wet. We visited my favorite tree, saw a squirrel. I sat down in the tree [which, amazingly enough, wasn’t all that wet], and broke downn a bit. Told him about the dream he was in, in which I showed him my cuts. He was sad, shocked by this but that was it. The rain dripped into the lake, which was green and deep; you couldn’t see the bottom. It’s huge.

We stopped at the.....dock. thing, that’s over part of one of the 2 lakes. I didn’t sit down because everything was wet. We visited my favorite tree, saw a squirrel. I sat down in the tree [which, amazingly enough, wasn’t all that wet], and broke downn a bit. Told him about the dream he was in, in which I showed him my cuts. He was sad, shocked by this but that was it. The rain dripped into the lake, which was green and deep; you couldn’t see the bottom. It’s huge.

The tree’s energy just..........enfolded me, I guess. The trunk is low and it has these ‘arm’ branches; one of which is stretched out over the lake, the other a few feet higher. I can’t pinpoint exactly why it’s one of my favorites. It’s beautiful, as are all trees. It’s almost human, in a way; the position of the branches.

I’ve another favorite, by my place; she’s got a lightning strike down her. It feels like she’s been hurt. If she were a person the branches would be her arms, and then..........well. you can see how the lightning strike represents assault. She’s beautiful though, despite that.

We went back to the car and drove to Whole Foods where, as everyone knows, they also have food. It smelled really good. It felt good; not neccessarily ‘happy’ but.......good. the energy.

They had yellow flowers; I was all excited about this. I love yellow. And they had mini cupcakes. After, we drove to a gas station to get ATM money.

It started snowing.

We drove to Country Buffet. Michael paid for most of it, I paid a few dollars. I had a blueberry muffin, green beans, carrots, bread-and-butter, a tiny, wicked good triangle brownie and carrot cake. Oh, and raspberry tea. It was really all I wanted. Michael had meat, mashed potatos, bread-and-butter, white ice cream [which I’m assuming was vanilla] and coffee with half-and-half in it.

Still snowing.

Went back to the car, drove to his place in Westminster, where we were for about 10 minutes. [Not his place so much as his parents’]. He went upstairs to get something; I stayed in the living room, behind the couch. [which is right in the middle of the room]. Behind the spot Christy, his mom, usually sits. I’m just drawn there, I guess. The tv was on ABCFamily, that new ice-skating movie. I walked around the kitchen, then to the plants by the garage doors. Then back to the couch, over to the front door with the stained glass window that Mr. Garone’d made; it’s stunning.

I love stained-glass.

Drove back to Wash Park. Talked about thoughts. We both think several things at once. I.e.; I’ll be reading, and, at the same time I’m thinking about the book I’ll also be thinking about something else. I never think just one thought. I’ve theorized that the reason I don’t think just one thought is because I’m usually physically multi-tasking and therefore my mind multi-tasks.

We went over to the school [South High’s] lawn, talking about relationships. stood in almost the exact same spot I’d lied in during an art class my senior year. I went to this wrought-iron bench, sat in it. It was surprisingly warm there. The bench had been there since 1939. It’s hidden, in a way. It takes you awhile to find it.

The school’s got a lot of history.

Drove back to Wash Park. Talked about thoughts. We both think several things at once. I.e.; I’ll be reading, and, at the same time I’m thinking about the book I’ll also be thinking about something else. I never think just one thought. I’ve theorized that the reason I don’t think just one thought is because I’m usually physically multi-tasking and therefore my mind multi-tasks.

We went over to the school [South High’s] lawn, talking about relationships. stood in almost the exact same spot I’d lied in during an art class my senior year. I went to this wrought-iron bench, sat in it. It was surprisingly warm there. The bench had been there since 1939. It’s hidden, in a way. It takes you awhile to find it.

The school’s got a lot of history.

Michael walked a few yards across the lawn. After awhile, I joined him and we walked around the school. I confessed to him what I’d done and why I felt guity about it. [which I’d really rather not post here]. He was incredibly understanding. As Kate once told me, things are never as bad as they seem. I didn’t tell him the details, just eluded to it and what Meagan had told us a few weeks back. He told me he never wants me to feel like I have to tell him anything. I wanted to because I don’t like it when things are unsaid between him and I. And I knew if I didn’t, I’d be bothered.

[I’m being vague on purpose here].

He drove me back to my place after about an hour. When I went inside, he stayed [in the car, I mean] for about 10 minutes. I wasn’t at all bothered by it. Then left.

So, after all that happened....................I called Susie, and we talked for a bit. then called Kate, left a message and she phoned me back. we also talked.

so that was my day.’