i thought things would be different when i moved. well apparently i was wrong. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

i meant. when i moved from my last house from........from stephanie’s. into the house i’m at now. I thought. there’d be more privacy or privacy at all. I thought i’d be warned before she went through my suitcases. and you know acknowledged and we’d talk about it. but no i get to be treated like an object who doesn’t have feelings. the same way i..........oh i get it. isn’t karma a bitch? yeah a bit.damnit. [oh btw and on that note. i’m bringing 1 to my mom’s today w/ a bit of my as the lady called it ‘recycling’ in it]. They’re nice to you to gain your trust and then when you finally do trust them.......they do something like that w/o warning. no it’s not abuse it’s manipulative and I don’t want to believe she wasn’t doing it to be manipulative. oh at first they’re all nice for awhile but then their true colors come out. and so do mine. a person can love me. or they can not like me at all. it just depends on how things go.

And I’m really starting to understand a little bit more just how being in services works. when I first went into it which was almost 3 yrs. ago this coming feb. i didn’t know anything about it. no one had told me exactly how it was going to go that sure would’ve helped. and i don’t care.if they knew or not. i only knew I didn’t want to be living at my mom’s the rest of my life. but now i actually like being there. right bc i’ve moved out.

Some things.in my life as of late as of.er some things currently are better. like i’m still seeing my psych. and things are going well there. but maybe. bc i’m not living w/ her. but sometimes we don’t even have to be living w/ someone for there to be problems. w/ valerie they’re better she hasn’t annoyed me as much. or maybe it’s just that this whole privacy invasion thing has taken precedence. yeah that’s probably it. um nothing new has come up w/ my sister since she indirectly outed me on fb in er i mean regarding Trump. w/ my dad they’re still the same which means they’re not any worse. So yeah the invasion thingy is the biggest thing. but to me t’s a pretty big thing.

see my.my problem is as i’ve mentioned before is.that.i get too comfortable. and I want to keep moving every couple months as of now so that that won’t keep happening. i don’t know that they’d allow that though. but then i don’t have stability. yes exactly that’s the point. is I won’t so i don’t ’have’ to get too comfortable. but then once i have it the moving every couple months i might not like it so much. yeah don’t get too comfortable.

if it sounds like i’m not entirely happy here. or content or w/e word you want to use. maybe that’s cause i’m not. and like i said.even if i moved that wouldn’t do anything other than change the external factors. so maybe it’s not the external factors that are the issue. maybe it’s how i am. no it s how I am cause i won’t tell anyone anything’s bothering me. cause i don’t talk about things. just like the lady.she has this weird way of talking to me about things w/o actually talking to me about them. looks like I’ve met my match.a bit. maybe. but i mean also.i wouldn’t feel like this w/o contributing factors. like no there are reasons i feel this way.

so going w/ my example or w/e the word is of the deflated mattress. the part that hasn’t been inflated yet.is me not being entirely content.

when I was 26 and living at my mom’s i had privacy. but things weren’t great there either. that is the biggest thing to me is that i have privacy. and the suitcase thing can’t ever unhappen. and that’s a reason it bothers me so much is bc it can’t. i wish it never had and i don’t care if .like if she hadn’t done that she wouldn’t be doing part of her job.well i really don’t care. and I’m still damn afraid to tell anyone no or to protest in some way. esp. someone who’s job it is to have them live w/ me. at stephanie’s i did a lot. there were a lot of things i didn’t do. actually most of the time i didn’t do things. If the lady doesn’t check my room that means she isn’t doing her ob for that day. ok and that’s just fine w/ me. The only thing she would find right now is another flask. some clothes. papers if she looks in that other box. but that’s it. cause even before she looked in the suitcases I’d taken the shooters to my mom’s so.right and for exactly that reason. cause i’m not gonna let the same thing happen again when I regret it happening in the first place.

i don’t feel ok setting boundaries right now cause then she’s not doing her job. well from what i understand her job is to do room/bag checks. and to have me live w/ her. but w/ the bag checks comes the privacy invasion. people reading this might be like ‘well you should set boundaries’. well yeah i should.cause it’s my stuff. but even if she had my permission and i told her no in some way. i don’t think she would’ve listened so. like fukin warn me a month ahead of time so I can take the stuff to my mom’s where the lady would never have checked it. and the we wouldn’t have this problem. and it’s not that i have that much to hide [well i have a bit to hide] it’s that.i don’t ever want my privacy fukin being invaded. but too late now since it’s already happened. i do not care about the reasons. my body was already invaded w/o my consent so why would this be any different. bc untill now the suitcase thing hadn’t happened. not that i was warned either before i was raped. yeah exactly why do you think i don’t like surprises. it’s not so much a matter of trust it’s that.i like knowing what to expect and when.

if this is actually as good as it’s going to get then damn.and also even if I did visit other houses I’m kindof afraid to see what’s out there. cause i don’t know that if i do hypothetically move i’d be allowed to move back. if things aren’t working out then they aren’t working out and that’s fine. but knowing me they probably wouldn’t work out at the new place either so. bc i’m not letting them.

and in a somewhat odd way. i’d only want to move if i’d be allowed to move back. this is how it was w/ my ex. A reason I actually wanted to break up w/ him. is so i could have him back.
........and i haven’t contacted him in a little over 3 yrs. but not bc of the breakup bc of other reasons. ok so an,other reason.

i thought i was here to move forward and yeah maybe i was. untill the changes started happening. you know things change goals change people change. and they’re not changes i made either. no they’re changes she made about my life.my stuff. and i was too afraid to say anything. to say no or w/e. but maybe that’s safer. while she’s never threatened me or anything i’m actually kindof curious to see what it would be like how she’d react if i said no or protested. but the problem w/ that is it becomes a habit. and then..........i’m back to how i was at stephanie’s so. and that didn’t get anyone anywhere except it only got me kicked out.oh and threatened.

but maybe that’s what i need. no i don’t mean the being threatened part cause no one needs that. no that’s not what i’m talking about. no i mean. maybe I need to realise how lucky i am. and my moving would accomplish that. this isn’t the first time i’ve been here it’s just the first time in awhile. I know how lucky I am to be alive. and I know how lucky i am to have a place to live. cause w/ that last one I almost didn’t. yeah it was over a yr. ago actually that i almost didn’t. but i mean to be living here in this house w/ this lady vs. somewhere else.

w/ certain things i don’t fully get how lucky I am bc I didn’t have to experience the other side. like i’ve only ever had 1 paying job. I’ve done a bit of volunteer work but it’s been at least 8 yrs. since i last had a job. [btw I don’t look down on people who have paying jobs or who don’t or who do volunteer work or stay at the house and they’re parents]. where i’m from is not who i am. and where i’m from. is an upscale safe neighborhood where most of the people are conceited. sure I’m entitled and a little off but i wouldn’t say i’m conceited. uh..............oh right. or. I’ve always lived somewhere where I’ve walked or taken the bus or been driven to like the store. so I don’t know what that’s like to have to drive places. although the driving places is more a personal choice than anything so that’s different.

you know like I grew up traveling. so I forget that there are others who haven’t. and that’s fine if someone has or hasn’t. maybe. for some people traveling isn’t something they’re particularly interested in but they will go to every baseball game of the season. well i don’t personally enjoy baseball. so that’s not something i’d do. [obviously being that i don’t enjoy it and all]. But my point is. i’m just so used to that way of life. but my experiences. of traveling for instance. well I don’t judge people based on their social class or their backround or where they’ve been/haven’t been.

I don’t know what it’s like to not be comfortable in this manner. bc I always have been. but maybe as weird as this might sound I shouldn’t’ve been bc then i actually would’ve learned er i would’ve realised and experienced more ways in which I’m lucky. I don’t think I’d like that either. well sometimes.what we don’t like teaches us the most.

and sometimes it’s not so much luck as it is looking back and nostalgia. like when my mom & I go to Panera we usually have a good time. We eat our sandwiches and talk and it’s quiet. a few times there have been children there and when my mom’s not looking I wave to them. if they’re quiet and polite. and ya know it’s nice. it is so nice to have mom time.

so anyway. i think that’s the end of that. well for now. just things i was thinking about. [well a bit more than that].