lost stars in no longer wide-eyed and full

I don’t want anyone to know how lost I feel. I don’t want to let on how absolutely, terrifyingly aimless I am. It’s November and I’m going on interviews for goddamn sandwich places.

I feel like a failure. It’s hard to believe that things will fall into place and I’ll find a good job when there are so little prospects right now. I’m losing confidence and I’m losing momentum.

I drive around town and think to myself, I could go anywhere right now. I could do anything. Instead I’m overcome by the emptiness before me. There’s nothing for me to do, no one for me to see. So I drive home to stare at job listings and become more overwhelmed.

No one wants to hire around the holidays, unless its to be a Christmas elf. I wish having a job wasn’t so entwined with my esteem, but I guess that’s what happens when you buy into the workaholic culture and only feel like a real person when you’re doing something.

I’ve been antsy ever since May, but now I’m feeling entirely hopeless. If not now, then when? It’s hard to trust in your life’s path when everything feels so bleak.