Yesterday I Wanted To Scream in meh...

But instead, today, I wrote.

Just in case I’m asked to speak at the service which I’m usually no good at. Public speaking is not my forte.

I started writing.
My remembrance. Our beginning, middle. No need to explore the end. The service is Monday and it feels no more real than it has all this time. Still haven’t spoken to my dad. Will try to call him around 4:30 again.

Good grief my heart is hurting…

Good morning. I am not good for public speaking so please bear with me.
As most of you may know, I didn’t grow up with my big sister around. Actually, I don’t think I was aware I even had a sister until I was between the ages of 8 & 10. After that I was obsessed with her. I was excited that I had a big sister. I remember I use to call her all the time. I didn’t want anything, but knowing I had a big sister I could call, it didn’t matter that I didn’t want anything. I’m sure I annoyed her, and given that she never gave a second thought to tell someone that, she never said anything to me.
It was around this time I think she went to Mexico. She came back and called and said she had a gift for me. Being the dramatic kid that I was, I was super excited. But, I never got the gift from her. And as adults, I brought it up from time to time and said, “Hey. You never did give me that gift you got from when you went to Mexico. “To which she answered, “Girl shut up. I don’t even remember what it was and Lord knows what happened to it.” That is up there with me asking her, “Hey, did you ever give me back my Luther Vandross video tape?” To which the answer was always, “If you ask me about that tape one mo’ gin…”
The older we got, the closer we got. She hung out with me for one of my birthdays. When I got a little older, she took me driving. That was one of the biggest scares of her life. She never let me drive again, at least until I actually learned and had a license then it was cool.
We grew older and noticed our similarities in life. Not only did we look alike, our first children were girls. Our smart, brilliant daughters, who were responsible for our hair turning gray before we were ready. Our second children were these unique boys, who were geniuses in their own right but just needed to believe in themselves. When she first developed problems with her kidneys, I offered up my own because she was my sister, she needed help, and I was willing to give what I could for her because I love her. We spent lots of time talking about life, kids, catching up and keeping up with each other always.
Before we decided to get into the restaurant business, we were going to host a local cable access TV show called “The Ghetto Gourmet.” At the time we had a knack for making kitchen contraptions because we didn’t have fancy gadgets. The most recent of gadgets was the indoor smoker. She told me how to make it because we both hated liquid smoke and because I don’t have a grill nor a backyard or a grill. This thing worked wonders even though I did tweak it a little after doing some internet research.
She was a master at making Chinese food, fried rice in particular. She searched and hunted and found out what makes the Chinese food in St. Louis stand out beyond the rest. She was tenacious like that and it helped drive me to be better for her. By the way, she shared the secret with me, and I’m not telling.
Though this is still hard for me, I know she is resting easier in a better place prepared for her by the Father. I will miss the foodie outings but I won’t miss the disappointment we shared when we realized Korean food was not as flavorful as we thought & hoped it would be.
I will miss YOU my sister, Traci. I love you.