I Just Don't Know What I'm Feeling in meh...

If any of you have read me for a while, you know that when someone around me dies, it’s horrible for me. I don’t get morbid, but the thought of death makes me incredibly aware of everything and it’s not really good.

I hate how, I’m okay one minute and as soon as someone says “Are you okay?” “How are you?” or “My condolences.” I get weepy eyed again.

I have survivor’s guilt. It’s not right to be okay. I mean it feels like it’s not right to be okay. This is someone I love and will never see again and to just live life, is crazy. I have to remember everything so I won’t forget what they looked like. I think about how many pictures I have, don’t have. Everything they’ve every taught me, or said to me, or what was funny. Like last night. Scott was texting me so I called him and talked to him last night. He asked about bereavement time and if I was taking any. I told him that my sister and I had a conversation about this very thing when her friend’s mother passed away. Her friend went to work. She said she takes advantage of all of that and is off for about a week or so. I told her that I was the type to go to work to. Need the distraction. But what am I doing while here? On here talking about her.

I’ve had a few friends and family call and check on me. I called my brother that I don’t talk to much and told him about it.

My dad. My poor dad. He had to bury his mother and now his oldest daughter. And he’s stubborn and he will do the service. I haven’t yet spoken to him directly, but I did speak with my stepmother. She said that he talked to her Saturday and she told him, “I’m tired.” Famous Black Folks last words when they are ready to transition. I hate that. I’m so mad at that. Makes me think twice about every uttering those words again.

I’m hurting but I got to keep it together or my grandkid is going to call me a crybaby again. Little asshole. LOL