Definition of 'fucked up' = me in Vulnerability

(Don’t read this unless you want me to be a Debby-downer)

I’m sitting on my bed, under the covers, whilst Nick has a bunch of friends over, having a party, and I’m wallowing in my own self pity, again.
I dunno what it is. if it’s FOMO, him being popular, me being a loser situation. My mind is completely fucked and all over the place at the moment, which is weird after having a nap.

Work’s been stressful this week. Just the usual shit, compiled. Too much work for me to try and handle by myself. Thankfully nice actual store manager has been on and has been offering help. He mentioned today that he could see I was behind, and it hurt my pride a little. I try to do well. I really do. I don’t stop. And even that’s not good enough.

I was invited to a Halloween party tonight at Ayden’s place, but given the fact that my mind was ticking over the thought of Googling, “What’s the most painless way to commit suicide?” (like I’m more worried about experiencing pain than I am the idea of that being the end of my life itself ^rolls eyes^), I don’t think being around people is a good idea right now. And then I’m like, “I’m too scared to even try that.”
I peed in a glass again so that I wouldn’t have to face anyone of the strangers here.
I definitely have a problem that’s not normal. My introversion is affecting my quality of life, I feel. No wonder I don’t have many friends.

And then there’s heaps of people laughing outside my bedroom door.

It’s gotta be my anxiety. It shits me to tears sometimes. Most of the time I can handle it, but night’s like tonight, I can’t. Now they are screaming, “It’s alive!!! It’s alive!!!” and I can only imagine what’s going on outside my bedroom door. I’m amazed we don’t have neighbour complaints.

Nick’s voice projects through the lower part of this house, and I can hear most of his conversations. He’s definitely not as innocent as he comes across, to me anyway. Half the stories he tells his group of friends are certainly news to me. He doesn’t talk to me like that. He just goes to his room and does his own thing. I guess I’m not ‘cool’ enough to sit and ever have a conversation with. Certainly not now.

So yeah, I’m not at the Halloween party. Not that I have a costume anyway. My failed attempt at buying a ghost costume that was only an overpriced $15 decoration put a downer on that idea.
I did overhear Nick telling his friends that he got home drunk last night and turned the light on and it scared the shit out of him, so at least that worked. Although I never heard him scream like he said he did. Probably just emphasizing the story for his mates.

Tonight would be a night that I’d probably normally gym, to help take my mind off this bullshit, but I can’t even do that. I can only do pushups on the bars in my room, which I’ll probably do, you know, around the screaming going on here.
I think they are all in Halloween costumes, and will probably be going out. I dunno. It’s just the few hours that they are pre-drinking here where my brain is driving me crazy. Things are never as bad as I make them out to be. I know that.
I’m just scared that I get like this. On a Saturday night. You know, most people are out, having fun on the town. Here I am, feeling like a complete and utter loser.

:(

Man this is hard to post. I hate entries like this. But it’s not like I have anywhere else to outlet.