Here, Now in Random Thoughts

24-48 hours later is when the raw sets in, my therapist Bill says. Last session i headed straight to Mojo’s and we hiked/walked 4 miles around Mt. Tabor and ended up eating raw oysters. This time i headed straight to Mojo’s and we had some mind blowing sex (our first time, there was no traditional penetration- it was all oral). Ending such heaviness, such heart-wearying work with Mojo has been good.

But the following day.... sitting at work.... 1000 pounds… so physically sore.

Here is what’s going on: i found a therapist who specializes in trauma, he’s worked for 30 years almost exclusively in that area. He is a Vietnam Vet and has his own trauma that he’s worked on over the years. My trauma is early childhood trauma, but i don’t know exactly what happened. I have bits and pieces of how i felt as a child, but everything is a general sense, i don’t actually have a lot of specific memories. My mom was a loving, but neglectful mother. She was never taught how to be a good mother, so any skills she has or had were learned along the way. I am her oldest of 4, and the first three years of my life… well, i don’t know. All i know (and i learned this as an adult) was that i was taken out of the home and put into foster care at some point, but my mom just went to that person’s house and took me back.

It was small town, rural northern Idaho and the later 1970’s, i guess that’s how it worked.

I just know that my mom said i was passed around to almost any adult during that time in my life, and there is no knowing what happened.

I don’t need to know or remember, i just need to process. I need to accept the parts of me that are/can be functional (my extreme sensitivity, kindness, generosity) and work on the areas that are not (extreme sense of failure, sense of inadequacy, others).

I told Bill that part of making sure that i was taking care of myself was to write, to listen to a lovingkindness guided meditation, try to find a nice day spa with mineral tubs and a calm relaxing environment.

If you read this, encourage me to write more, even if i can’t figure out what to say.