Anxiety collapse. in Musings

I am seeing a psychiatrist.

Who for some reason has given me a vial of klonopins for my anxiety and also has prescribed anti-depressants.

Both of which taunt me on my dresser drawer next to the three gift bottles of Veuve.

I was recommended to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist because of my recent panic attack. Usually, I can control myself and continue to function my daily life. This panic started really mild in the morning. I decided to exercise.

I had breakfast. I continued to ignore the crazy voices of myself screaming for me to “RUN, you need to go to the doctor NOW!” and I managed to calm myself down.

The weird thing about this panic that made me even crazier was the fact that I always felt the panic was just me and only I can see it… but at work I started sweating and feeling these strange delusions.

I felt my clients knew I was panicking. I felt like everyone could see that I was going crazy and it was a scary, dark panic. I finished my client as quickly as I could and ran to the back and started hyperventilating. People came to ask me what was wrong and it made me freak out even more, I felt unhinged. I felt like I had lost it and that I had completely gone into crazy world.

I couldn’t control it and as many people there were came to me, making me panic, until I saw Caitlin shoving people away from me and grabbing me pushing me into the hallway. I collapsed.

I woke up to a cold compress on my forehead. I heard Caitlin faintly calling for an ambulance. “He’s fainted! Please help” “No. He’s not on drugs. I don’t think so!” she said as I felt her hands fumbling in my pockets.

I woke up in a hospital bed having gone completely mad and feeling that knot in my throat of built up anxiety.

I hate that I have this. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I feel defective and those pills just mock me.