23 weeks 6 days in Inside My Head

I’m almost at the point of viability! I can’t believe the majority of my second pregnancy (SECOND!!) is almost compete. It feels so surreal. Back in 2013 it felt like I would never be at this point. I feel the baby gently moving almost all the time. It’s so reassuring to know my little tatala is doing well. I’m so proud of my myself. I still don’t know what the baby is. I cheated when I was pregnant with Sam. I work at the hospital where the ultrasound was done, and during one of my random night shifts I read the report. I knew I was having a boy. This time around I really want to be surprised.

In terms of Michael and I, I’m attributing our issues to stress. Last weekend was actually really great for us. There was minimal arguing, and we had a good time generally relaxing together. Looking back on our relationship together, we’ve been a couple since 2005. The passionate sex and initial ‘newness’ of the relationship isn’t there any more, but after so many years together, it can’t really feel ‘new’ right? There’s a more stable love, trust, and comfort underneath and I would rather have that with Mike than nothing. I had a steamy fling with Henry and look where it got me - heartbroken and used. Instead of reading prior entries where Henry and I were hot and heavy, I read prior journal entries about how I felt after he left. Didn’t feel so fantastic. And I know that the person I was in 2004 would have given anything to be in the situation I am in now. So I’m going to attribute these feelings to pregnancy hormones and leave it at that. I have come to the conclusion that if you have certain thoughts, but don’t act on those thoughts, then there’s no harm done. Doesn’t make me a bad person…I don’t think.