Susan Sharon in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I seem to have found myself in some alternate reality. If you had told me two years ago that this is where my life would be at this point in my life, I would have laughed in your face and told you that I would never make choices that would lead me here… yet that would not be the case.

I’ve lost my interest in casual sex because I’m so distracted by depression that I don’t even care about it. The only friends I somewhat have are the old people at the bar I try not to frequent because drinking is a worse distraction than sex.

I’m going on dates with varying degrees of success. I was stood up for one on Monday. I was literally standing in the middle of a farm when he canceled on me. I’ve become like a really lame supporting character on Sex and The City. When did I become the Susan Sharon of my own life.

My birthday is coming up in 9 days and I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I know last year I sat home alone doing nothing, which is stupid. My birthday is a holiday, there should be something going on for me to do if for no other reason so that I can distract myself from getting older. Not that I really mind because at this point growing old has very little impact on my choices other than limiting what options are available to me. It adds to the condemnation levied against me, but when someone already carries the weight of the ocean upon his shoulders, what real difference is another glass of water?

Maybe this is really what life is and I’m just depressed because I’ve never had repetition. I’ve never really had to deal with routine, and the time when I did deal with that routine (high school) was fairly difficult for me. I don’t want to say traumatizing, but the truth is, I feel anxiety in my chest whenever I have to walk past one. Like a monster is going to leap out at me and pull me into the past to force me to relive the most awful experiences of my life.

But in perspective, were those experiences really that awful? I think they were because they seemed never-ending. I’ve had much worse things happen to me, but I had an endpoint. That’s why I’m so crushed right now, supposedly February is my out, but I’ve had supposed outs before… what if I can’t get out?

Dammit, that’s just Jason getting into my head. He asked me why I wasn’t leaving right now, and I tried to explain to him that I had a timeline… he said that was just an excuse to remain miserable. Who wants to remain miserable? Susan Sharon. That was the whole point of her character.... ugh