Private in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Holy shit, I’m pathetic. This is/was going to be private… but I once promised myself that only things I was working on and intended to release would ever be private… and only so that I could work on them.
So… while this should certainly be private… because it is more of the same… the whinging, the bitching, the lamenting, the bullshit… I have nowhere else to turn to release it, to vent it, to express it. So I paste it here and let it out but… my God, it must be repetitious and a pain to read.

It frustrates me that I honestly think that I really could be GOOD at this job. I love reading; I’m obsessed with writing; I adore conversations and I am quite a skilled orator. These are important qualities in a lawyer. I really do honestly think I could do this job well.

“This job” meaning “lawyer.” NOT “this job” meaning my current position at the current time. AND FOR ADDED PROOF/BITCHING… (actually, this is sort of a pep talk in disguise)

Do you remember Work Crush from when I worked at the Jail? The brilliant, passionate, fashionable young woman that stressed over everything and was a more competent attorney by the end of law school than most Associates are after five years of practice? She and I still keep in touch. Admittedly, she texts me and I respond… I’m not, like, trying to initiate anything. BUT she texted me last night that she is starting her first jury trial!! She has been working with the firm for 4 months now and will be playing “support” to her boss/mentor as she both learns and performs Jury Trial Work in a Professional Setting. It is excellent for her.
MEANWHILE
After I had been working here for two months; I tell my boss that one of the cases wants to do a Jury Trial. She bitches, hands me a book from 1990 and tells me to figure it out. All the while, booking all of the Jury Trial dates between then and her retirement (so that I still haven’t had the trial and won’t until after she has left).

So… yeah. My TAKEN speech would be: “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what they want. If they are looking for magic, I can tell them I don’t have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long academic career. Skills that make me a potential brilliant litigator for people who pay me. If you support me now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for other work, I will not pursue bad plea deals. But if you don’t, I will look for other work and I will kill to get out of here.”

Because… yeah. Seriously. When even an excellent student with hundreds of qualifications does the Second Chair and Mentored route; while I’m stuck with Completely Solo and Fucked… it just upsets me, y’know?

But as I said: this is kind of a pep talk. And the Pep is trying to convince myself that I really, honestly, possibly COULD be a decent (maybe even skilled) Attorney. But the most glorious tree cannot thrive in darkness. The most astonishing flower requires water and soil. I suppose this is my official declaration. I will not allow this place to make me feel like a failure. It is not my personal failings that have brought me to this position. I requested a mentor, aid, I requested the route of All Skilled Legal Professionals. And I was given this instead. I will not take responsibility for the outcomes of these failings. I will not allow the failures of this place to convince me I cannot achieve in this business.

That being said… I really wish someone would call to interview me (and give me a job). Or if not… that one, ANY, job search site would give me new leads.