How "Open" Am I? in meh...

My author friend was in town showing his wears.

He is an amazing writer. He is a freak. He writes, sci-fi/horror/erotica/weird shit. I met him on OD and started reading him frequently and every now and again (more now than again) he would write some spank freaky type stuff. His words are very visual and I like what he reads.

I’m personally not into the Dom/Sub thing. Not into bondage and hit me with studded paddles and shit. No. I mean, I like to be manhandled a bit, I can take a hair pull, I can even condone a well placed ass smack while doing the do, but the harder stuff, I’m not so sure. But his erotic/mystery type title Hyde was basically a tease fest. Getting the chick almost there and not letting her get on off…cruel and unusual punishment.

One more sidebar: I can look at human forms and appreciate them (or not) for what they are. I can look at a naked woman in appreciation for her form without wondering if I’m bi or at least remotely attracted to women. I can look at a naked man and talk about sex without it all being sexual and being turned on. I am however a 12yo boy who giggles at shit. LOL

With that being said, I went to a coffee shop where my friend was doing a signing. He had a previous meeting there with a photographer who does these darkly amazing shots in conjunction with a book he’s working on. Specifically the sequel to Hyde. When you first walk in, there is a bar hanging on the wall with handcuffs on them. There are bookshelves filled with erotica, gay rights information, all kinds of shit. To the right is a black and white shot of two ladies facing each other. The picture is hot. On top of the bookcase against the wall, there are plaster casts of p*ssy. (for the record I can’t say that word-lol) I didn’t notice them at first, but then I looked up, taking the place all in, and then tilted my head as I’m prone to do, and said, “Huh..” I was given a book to look at. Suicide girls. Photos of women who bear little to nothing, showing tats and piercings, the colors and the pictures were just phenomenal. I’m not a prude by any means, nor does sexuality make me uncomfortable, I just don’t want to be faced with it all the time and then seem like I have to prove that I am as open as I think I am.

Is that being a hypocrite?

I use to have a long distance relationship that spanned over a few years when I think about it. I think I’ve written about him before. We had a lot of phone sex. I’ve sent a lot of pictures and videos (my face was never in any of them if I could help it). He wasn’t able to keep them in his phone anyway since he was married and I didn’t know about it so there is that.

At any rate, any bit of being uncomfortable I may feel if I do feel any is more about me and my body image. When I was “seeing” this person, it was at a time when I was working out, losing weight and feeling decently about my body. Before the weight started coming off, I felt weird and didn’t want him to see my body as a whole. One night, I had just come home from being with friends. He texted. He wanted to see me. I had on a halter top and sent a pic with that. He wanted to see more. I told him I don’t think he’d really want to see that. He then convinced me to take shot. He was pleased. “I want to do her.” Then he called me and it was on. He told me he loved me that night. Kind of threw me off since we just started “seeing” each other. Me and my toys became best friends with he & his hand on the side of the road. Crazy. So yeah. I think if I was like tied down to a bed with no way to be covered up and people could see me, I would get use to it. Now if they made fun of me, I’d hate it and never get naked again. Even to take a shower. lol

When you do stuff like this, you’re a freak. I’m okay with it. The shop had this picture hanging that says something like sex is beautiful or natural and something else is negative. This makes me think about how stigmatized sex is. Sure you really don’t want your 6yo exposed to it too soon, but if it is, you don’t want them to think it’s dirty or filthy or disgusting. It’s just not for them. A whole lot of complications surrounding it, but sex itself IS natural.

So…I don’t know.
Just something I was thinking about.

Have great days…

Kindest regards,
Sister