Anxiety is a mother. in Since OD is shutting down....

So this morning I had to go sign more paperwork to have a service animal. I am only to have one and I know that I’m going to need to re-home 2 of them. I know that it doesn’t have to happen immediately but I can’t jeopardize my home either. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do because even though they piss me off, I love all 3 and I’m pretty sure I know which one I plan to keep but I just want to make sure the other 2 go to a great home but I don’t trust anyone to take care of them like I have.

Work was absolutely bullshit today. I had to go in early and made hardly nothing. I got to leave 2 hours early and I’m so fucking glad. I drank way too much caffeine today and I almost had a panic attack. By the time I left work, I didn’t feel myself and need to not have that much caffeine in one day, especially large quantities like this. I always have caffeine but today it hit me like a train. My heart was pounding, I got a raging headache, and my anxiety was about to push me over the fucking edge. Ugh, never again.

I’ve been thinking about my housing situation and finally text my boss about it. I will start having not only 3 days off a week, but 3 in a row. I’m super stoked about this but also worried I will overeat out of boredom. I always cheat on my days off but I can’t do it 3 days in a row. I’m going to have to find people to hang out with or something to avoid eating large amounts of garbage. I’m truly worried about this but I’m going to have to keep myself busy somehow. Maybe if it’s not super cold, I can go swimming somewhere or something. It’s really hard to get excited about doing stuff by myself though.

I’m still feeling pretty anxious and it’s really hard to sit still right now but I’m trying to unwind because I have to work in the morning. It’s so crazy I’m going to have 3 days off because I’ve been working 5 or 6 days a week for the past year. I need to think of ways to keep busy and even have fun when I’m not working. I know when the manager comes back from vacation, I’ll have to let her know my schedule and she’ll ask why but I’m going to tell her I’m going to start doing physical therapy on my back on Monday’s and they recommend me not working the day after. It’s not that I’m trying to be secretive, but there’s a lot of gossip that goes on and I just don’t feel that it’s anyone’s business to know my personal life.

The only bit of help I get is with rent and I plan to cling to it for as long as humanly possible because I pay for everything out of pocket and just want to know that if I were to lose my job, I wouldn’t lose my place to live as well. I don’t have to work as much now because I don’t have a car payment and need to start getting more of a break before I break. I won’t tell anyone this that I work with because a lot of them don’t have that luxury and I feel bad. I’m getting older and I know that I can’t go on working like a dog forever.

I’m also having a day where I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m by myself and hoping it’s not going to be like this forever. I have days where it bothers me and this is one of them. All I have left is hope. I truly hope that God will bring me a good person that will love me back and have nothing but good intentions that I could share a house with. I don’t care if it’s a boyfriend or otherwise but it would be great if I could find a decent human being at some point.

I ate sensibly again today and it’s showing on the scale. Super annoyed with myself that I cheat on my days off and then have to spend the whole week killing myself to lose the weight I gained and not working on the weight I want to lose. I hate this. I just wish I could figure out why I do this. I know that I don’t take Adderall on my days off and my appetite comes back but I overdo it and I need to figure out how to stop!! I know I can go months eating all the right things so I need to realize that yeah, I worked hard all week but that doesn’t mean to overindulge myself either. I plan on having only one cheat day and leave it at that.

So, I’m gonna lay down and hopefully pass out soon. I have to work all day tomorrow and Saturday but I’m off for 3 days!!! Ugh, I am more than excited to be able to have that extra day!!

Goodnight folks.