These Days in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

(Written Friday/Saturday/Sunday)

I find it interesting that today’s court room items happened as I am on my way to Cedar Rapids desperately hoping that I nail this interview.

First, everyone was talking about more Sheriff Asshole Stuff. For instance, he followed someone for MILES because they passed him. Then he called a deputy (after the vehicle had pulled into its destination) to cite the guy for driving while barred. Just… absolute bull shit on the part of the Sheriff.

Second, everyone was talking about more County Attorney bullshit. For instance, how she filed a resistance to a motion on my case (not even her case) because she “didn’t trust that the motion was for the good of the case.” Uhm… the motion was a JUVENILE COURT matter to allow a father supervised visits with his kids… something that BY LAW needs to happen before the juvenile case can go forward. Or in other words… a woman who HASN’T DONE Juvenile Law just fucked up an entire Juvenile Law case by resisting a motion that had already been pre-approved by all concerned parties.

In short… Friday Morning Juvenile Court was just a “several hours primer” on how fucked up everything is in this county. Hell, one lawyer said, “Why is it that 80% of my shittiest cases are in this county?” And all the lawyers agreed that the biggest problem with the county is how there is no sense of accountability or community from the top levels down. It is a deeply broken place.

Which was really bad for before an interview. I was trying very hard to make it more “Look at all the things I can do” but I can promise that it came out more “Look at all the things I’ve had to do on my own.” In other words, less a “I’m the right guy for you and you want to hire me” and more “I need to get out of my current situation, please help me.” NOT the way to get hired. So, while I’m still certainly hopeful about the interview (will hear back on Wednesday) I certainly don’t expect good news.

That being said… it was interesting and unusual. Maybe I’m empathic; maybe I’m a romantic; maybe I’m just crazy. But there is an ethereal, almost ineffable atmospheric change between Tiny Town and CR. As if just entering the area, one can tell how one community is dying and the other is thriving. It is like that feeling when you meet people. How sometimes, you shake someone’s hand and a chill goes through your body telling you “This person is bad news!” whereas sometimes you shake someone’s hand and a warmth comes over you signaling “This is a safe person.” Or am I the only one that happens to? If not, it is like that. Entering this area comes with the almost spiritual feeling of unease and that something is wrong. Entering into CR came with it the feeling of rush and teeming with life. It was… difficult to return.

But return I did… late on Friday evening. Spent Saturday recovering, lol. I mean… five hours in court, six hours in the car… it was a day. But also on Saturday, I was feeling a bit sad. Not just “oh, we might be stuck here longer” and not even “If we get to leave, I still have to convince myself to be okay about not finishing cases.” But there was a LOT of me simply being sad about my relationship with my wife. I try not to spend too much time contemplating it. I’ve made my choice to stay and wait out whatever it is that is going on. But, hopefully, I can be forgiven my own quiet lament from time to time. After all, it would mean a lot to me if I felt appreciated, or respected, or wanted, or cared for. And it just… isn’t there. And while I’ve convinced myself to put up with it and deal with it; it still gnaws at me from time to time.

Sunday, Wife and I finally finished Shiki. It is a vampire Anime I had seen before and, after moving to such a tiny place, it felt very appropriate. Shiki takes place in the small isolated village of Sotoba. Vampires come in and ruin everything; but the townspeople don’t act until it is far too late because of small town apathy and the desperate clinging to the status quo. In other words… where we live right now. However, the vampires in the real world aren’t blood sucking monsters… the vampires in the real world are Money Sucking Monsters. The list of “everybody knows they’re awful but we don’t upset the status quo” around here is foul. People have watched this area die for the last 8 decades in a row and have shrugged their shoulders. It has gone from a town of 16,000 proud men and women to a town of 10,000 struggling people to a town of just over 1,000 people who are so jaded by their world that they speak in clipped, hateful sentences about people that they themselves put (and keep) in power.

Which brings us back to slogging away at work on a Monday morning. And as hard as it is to work a job where I’ve had no instruction, no guidance, and no aid… what really deflates me… what really stabs me right in the heart… is how meaningless my job is to the people I serve. Because that is the point of the job. Being a prosecuting attorney, you don’t make a lot of friends in the community because everyone knows there is the possibility that I’ll be in charge of punishing them for a crime someday. That is something one accepts with the job. But there is the shield of “protecting the community from harm.” The sense that what you’re doing is worthwhile because at least it means one less drug dealer getting kids hooked… one less pimp trafficking in under aged girls… one less brute sexually assaulting a family member… one less. Because you can’t save THE WHOLE WORLD but making a difference as a matter of “one less” can save a life. And they don’t even want that here. “Yeah, the guy drinks until he can’t stand and drives home. We all do; we refuse to convict someone of something that THE STATE says is wrong.” And that’s the push back here. The unspoken rule that is spoken in so many ways. “We make the rules for our community, not the state. ‘Illegal’ has no value or meaning here.”

Between a Magistrate who refuses to do her job and/or honestly can’t… a County Attorney that is as meddling as she is useless… a Sheriff who continually exposes the county to lawsuit after lawsuit… and a board of supervisors who makes the Borgias look honest.... I truly feel like my job here is a wasted effort.