10/7 in 2016

happy fall, everyone. i know i’m a little late. it’s been way too warm lately here where i live but it’s about 50 degrees out now and i love it. i can’t wait until it’s cold all of the time.

this semester is killing me. luckily, my online class ends next week. i’ve been skipping a LOT of classes and my grades are somewhat suffering. i’m so burnt out on school, though. my main goal is to get through the next few months without breaking down completely and without failing.

i started a few applications for grad school today. i like the idea of getting a master’s in counseling online! there are a few good schools that have this kind of program available, and it’ll eliminate the chance of me moving away for school. again. i’m stressed about all the things i need to do: pay application fees, update my resume, write essays, and ask for recommendation letters. i have no idea who to ask!

things have been going really well with cole and i! he started working at our subway again so he’s home on the weekends, and i still drive to see him during the week or he drives to see me. we’ve had a few thoughtful discussions about sex and even progressed physically with each other…i feel more confident now in where we stand with that. he’s definitely just extremely nervous about it and we are taking it slow. yesterday was our 6 month anniversary. he had flowers delivered to me at work and paid for me to get a manicure. he’s really sweet. i still get frustrated with him at times because when he’s been hanging out with his friends, he ignores me and will cancel plans with me. it happened all summer. i’m dealing with it better than before.

there is something that troubles me, though. one of his good friends, hayle, really irks me. i’ve never met her and she seems nice…she doesn’t seem to have a problem with me. they actually dated each other a few years ago, like freshman year of high school. he’s gone to visit her at school (like 3 hours away) a few times and she’s visited him at his apartment too. last night we were driving around and she called him in order to rant about something and they talked for nearly 30 minutes even though i was right there in the car with nothing to do but stare out the window and stew. he apologized, of course, but she apparently doesn’t care that she was intruding. obviously i can’t give an ultimatum. i know i’m being petty and jealous because deep down i know he would never cheat on me or anything. my own anxieties are getting in the way once again.

he absolutely hates his major and hasn’t gone to class in weeks. i’m so worried he’s gonna fail everything, lose his financial aid, etc. he plans on moving out of his apartment when his lease is up (next july) because it’s way too expensive to live there. since i’ll be graduated (and HOPEFULLY starting an online grad program) by then, we plan on moving in together. that will either be in one of the surrounding towns where he goes to school or he’s gonna transfer to the school where i’m doing my undergrad now and we will live there. everything is sort of up in the air right now.

as for my mental health…i ended up cancelling my doctor’s appointment because it conflicted with my class schedule. i have a gynecologist apt. next month. i’ve been off my birth control all week because i’m broke as fuck, and i’ve been in a better mood than i have felt in months. it’s weird. this past summer was obviously difficult, and i feel a lot better now, but i still have anxiety. maybe i’m just learning to deal with it. the only thing is that i’m feeling more depressed lately. i don’t know.