Weird Day in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Today… is a weird day.
I went through all the Mental Health Case Files (and discovered ten that the Magistrate hasn’t properly taken care of).
I am putting together Discovery Packets (in an attempt to move some cases forward).
I have a drawer absolutely FILLED (see also: brimming, replete, crammed, loaded, packed, stuffed) with case files. Right now I think I have (all cases included) 72 (or more) cases. If I get the job in CR… I want to get those case dealt with first. If I don’t get the job in CR… I want to get those cases dealt with and get them out of my hair.

And yet… I’m bored. Truly. Bored.

This is one of those times where I honestly imagine… if I knew what I was doing, at least I could barrel ahead and confidently make things move… and if there was nothing left to move, I could confidently say, “I’m calling it a day as I have done all of the work that can be done today!”

But I’m no where near that. I’m the guy that quietly sits in a closet-sized office with no windows thinking: How in the hell can I reduce how many cases I have right now? I’ve made plea offers, I’ve done everything I know how to do on the cases. But… literally nothing is happening. The cases stay, the number of cases incoming grows, and I just sit… trying to figure out what to do. Experiencing boredom at the same time I’m experiencing panic. Because my mind isn’t engaged… I’m not doing anything… and that creates boredom. And I don’t know what to do… I’m not doing anything… and that creates panic. I would like to cut my case load in half by the end of the year (new job or not) but................................................................

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my wife. I was encouraging her to DO something. Pick a direction and go. And she was crying and telling me that I’ll never understand what it is like to be in her head. And I admitted to that; but then reiterated that The World isn’t going to care what it is like to be inside your head. The World isn’t going to deliver a perfect career path to you while you sit around waiting/hoping for something to fall out of the sky. And she told me that what I was telling her to do was impossible. That it was like dropping her off in the middle of the ocean and telling her to find land. And I said, “Perfect scenario. I’m not the one dropping you in the ocean… you’re already there. You’re in the ocean now. You keep treading water staying where you are… there is a small chance that maybe someone will come along and rescue you. MAYBE. But there is also the chance that you’ll be eaten by a shark or drown or starve or dehydrate first. So save yourself. Pick a direction and go. Maybe it will be the wrong way. Maybe you’ll die before you reach land. But you have to fight for your own survival.”

And while I can certainly say that looking for a new job is my version of “pick a direction and go”… while I’m swimming for land, I still have to take care of treading water (the current job). And all it is, it feels like, is treading water. So… for anyone that has had to do that for a long time.... bored but also a little panicked.