Some Nights in Ultimate Randomness

Some nights are easier than others to deal with everything going on. This is not one of them. I can't remember the last time I updated, so here is a brief update if you have been following. I have been completely cut off. At this point, her, and by her I mean the one married to me legally though I wouldn't call her my wife in anything but the legal sense, has cut me off. We still live in the same house and she supports me financially, but that is as far as it goes. Otherwise, we are just friends. No sex, no romantic contact whatsoever. Right now, she is watching Kick-Ass 2 with W. I was watching with them, but I just couldn't take being around the two of them anymore. It isn't that they are doing anything other than sitting close to each other, but right now, that is even too much for me to deal with. I have spent the last week trying to adjust, and sometimes, I am ok. Good even. Yesterday wasn't too bad because I was at work and had something to keep me occupied. Today though, I haven't had anything to do. She did spend some time with me watching tv, but that just made things worse. We watched Parenthood. One of the couples on the show is going through some hard times and the husband said to the wife, "I know you want to try and fix things, but I don't think they can be fixed anymore." The exact same words that she said to me once upon a time. There were other things in almost all of the shows and they all seem to touch one thing or another that was said or done between us. Since we stopped watching, I have spent the day on the verge of tears, buzzed from drinking, or buzzed from the hookah or a combination of the three. It has been a rough day and it isn't over yet. I know I will have to put in my headphones at some point just to avoid the sounds of them having sex. I wish I was able to deal with it, but I am having a really hard time with it. I have taken to trying to avoid seeing her change or anything. It isn't that she cares if I watch, but I don't want to have anything that makes me want to have sex with her more. I wish I'd had this problem more before things got so bad they couldn't be fixed. But this is just the way it is. I am fucked, and not in any good way. I just want to give up and die, but that isn't going to happen. Anyway, that is enough of a pathetic rant for now.