house meeting current stuff cutting liable in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so in a recent entry i put i’d had a house meeting on Mon. w/ susie, mary, debbie, myself & the lady. actually that was on Mon. the 29th.of aug. well part of it was about my sharps restriction. I’m not really allowed to have any sharps. [which is why i’m going to take my pipe cleaners to my mom’s and leave them there. i have never once used pipe cleaners to cut. no they were w/ my art stuff. but they’re metal so. and yet i’m allowed to have pens which is somewhat amazing. you can do quite a bit of damage w/ a pen and i know cause i did once in HS]. well. i haven’t cut in almost 3.5 yrs. so i think that’s a little unneccessary.
no thing is. it’s that the lady doesn’t want to be held liable if something happens. well if something were to happen like if I did cut again I wouldn’t tell her about it so that.doesn’t work. yes and see this.is why i wouldn’t want a job where i’m not responsible for people. i realise it comes w/ the territory. I don’t entirely believe them when they say they’re trying to keep me safe [which really i don’t care all that much about] and they care. i don’t think that’s the only reason they’re doing this. and back when I was cuttng i never cut deep. i mean it’s not good that i was. but i know there are people out there who did a lot more physical damage to themselves than i ever did. w/. w/ the cutting i mean. i don’t know that i ever personally encountered any but yeah they’re out there. the only thing that well ok so there are a couple things that have an impact on me regarding this. 1: that i’m a massively private person and b: that i have a place to live. and i think that if something happens and she’s held liable then i.might not have a place to live or if i did it wouldn’t be this good. really this is as good as it’s going to get while i’m living w/ someone which ya know is scary. it’s like well fuk. i better not screw this up a whole lot. which i haven’t. sure i haven’t always done everything i’m supposed to but it’s not.like it was at my last house at.........at stephanie’s. but then I didn’t like stephanie so of course i wanted to move! and i did. i just didn’t think she’d threaten me. and i actually like it here so i want to stay here. untill you know i get my own place.
That’s the only reason it impacts me. if i knew that if i screwed up a whole lot like hypothetically.and i wasn’t moving. and she wouldn’t be held liable. then it’d be like oh ok. cool so i can have the sharps and not cut and nothing will happen. ok great. and in a way i had that. well i mean.....back in HS i lived at my mom’s [this makes it sound like my parents don’t live together.no they do it’s something i picked up from Pat. and i have an aversion to the word ‘home’ so] and I was cutting then. and my mom said something about it like once but we never..........got that far. it wasn’t ‘ok well i’m going to take your sharps or things you could use to cut and keep them’. right bc when a person is living w/ their parents.it’s a different dynamic. and i liked that. [of course at the time i didn’t appreciate that but oh we don’t].
if i know someone is going to be that involved in that............no it’s.The reason I stopped was bc cutting wasn’t me anymore. it actually made me too emotional. you’d think that’s the reason i’d quit drinking but it’s not. also. I used to have 2 drinks and get smashed. and now it takes me 4, 5 maybe even 6. I haven’t had that many in a long time so. but no my privacy is a reason i don’t drink as much.and um finances.
so yeah like i mentioned. During room checks recently she found soda can tabs. well ok not like they were that hard to find i mean they were sitting right there in a cup on my dresser which she’s seen before dozens of times.in a collection w/ the other cups. and she took them when we were done. well if i was going to cut i sure as hell wouldn’t put what i’m using to cut.w/ right out there in the bloody open like that i mean i’m not stupid. so again the liability thing. no in fact addicts are crazy intelligent. and former addicts. and recovering addicts. and well that’s it. They say if you have something to hide don’t act like you do.well that’s not always a good plan and.yes exactly. that’s kindof my point. if I was using those to cut then I would hide them. so obviously i’m not. like when i get shooters.you know from the liquor store.those i hide. [well mainly bc people aren’t allowed to drink in her house. and that’s anyone]. but if i was [allowed to drink in the house i mean] and she wasn’t checking my pockets [which btw she’s not.of what i’m wearing.which is good cause i wouldn’t want most people doing that.it’s just weird and invasive and feels weird] i’d still hide the shooters.i’d just have only 1 reason to. that’s the other thing she looks for during bag checks apparently. and she hasn’t found them.right cause they’ve never been in my bags. again if i have something to hide i’d you know.do that. and if i was allowed to drink in her house.it wouldn’t be as much um fun.
regarding roommates hypothetically if i had my own place and were lokoing for a roommate. i could live w/ a druggie. and i mean hard drugs. if they shoot up ok just not in the house. yeah pat’s mom had that rule about smoking. if they drink ok. but if they take stuff and i knew that prior.............no. i wouldn’t have them as a roommate. [i’m not looking for one i’m just saying hypothetically. if i was].

um so yeah. liability and things being unneccessary. i know myself better than they do and i know what’s neccessary for myself and isn’t. so.

if i told them.that when i was cutting i never cut deep.i don’t know that it would change things. and if it wouldn’t then and i’ve been at this place before there’s really no point in bringing it up.other for them to know.

they said.an alternative is to have someone check my arms/legs. well i’m not willing to do that. [ok so that makes it sound like i have something to hide which in a way i do.......] what i have to hide.is/are cuts from my anemia. not from razors or pens or ‘safety’ pins or.w/e. [‘safety’ pins how ironic. when you’re a former cutter you think about these things]. i think the lady might know i have anemia cause i think she read the note from my dr. about my blood um type. i know Milton knows. right so then if they know. and they see those cuts then it’s like ‘oh ok it’s from her anemia’. right. no but.........i don’t want her cooking me things w/ iron [and actually my iron’s good so it’s not due to lack of iron. it’s other stuff. this entry really isn’t about my vitamin and stuff intake so] and therefore making exceptions for me. so that’s the other problem. [ok so really if we’re bbeing honest here i just don’t want to be the one doing anything about this. i don’t want to hold up my end. i don’t want to ‘have’ to do the work basically].