Go The Distance. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

It might be an intrusive thought to think “Have I ever really been happy?” and begin to think of a bunch of negative stuff. I lost Angel. I lost Elena. Three years of progressive depression at Rutgers. Really bad stuff happened with…

Wait. I’ll pause on proving myself wrong by showing positive things - there might be a pattern. Loss of control fucks with my head. I’ll lump heartache into that, because you simply can’t control that kind of pain. Whether it’s not having the autonomy to do stuff, or simply feeling unable to do stuff, both are a feeling of “lack of control”.

While I won’t deny my depression, if I ask myself “When has there been good shit”, well. That rattling off of times and events outweighs the bad. The specifics don’t matter. Many things have brought me some level of satisfaction, even if I’m hesitant to use the word “happy”. What I find interesting is the amount of overlap. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” The simplest explanation is that I derived satisfaction from the struggle. If I’m still fighting, I haven’t lost yet.

Ah, I feel like I’ve forgotten more things than I’ve learned; I have to relearn them time and time again.