Angry and bitter. in A Life Uncommon

I'm the girl who reacts inappropriately in bad situations. Not like, snickers during a funeral, but I find it hard to show my true emotions. I get intimidated easily, or feel like I am on display, and so I'm the girl who, while pooling blood all around her, smiles and jokes with the nurse.

And I try very hard to not wince during exams.

And then I come home, and I am irrationally angry because no one believes how VERY FUCKING SERIOUS things are, and I can't quite grasp why no one is taking me seriously.

Becuase I'm a goddamn idiot, I am a socially awkward idiot with social anxieties and a strong incapability of processing things correctly. (Thank you, mom and dad!).

All of this to say that I am currently cramping and bleeding, Bleeding and cramping,

Yesterday they said I was just fine, Lost a twin probably, Oughta slow down, You're looking fantastic!

And so I'm working through the cramps and the gushes and sobbing my way through my severe want to go hide in my bedroom and ignore the kids,

I am alone, And no one knows how to comfort me because I am angry and bitter.

I am in a precarious waiting game, where I will cramp and bleed and stare at my clots all weekend, wondering if it's the tiny bean I just saw with a happy heartbeat yesterday. I will show up on Monday for my labs, and make jokes with the phlebotomist, and talk politely with the medwife while she intakes my history and acts SHOCKED that I abandoned the office for the ER (fucking assholes, of course I went to the ER, you insulted me and told me I was perfectly fine while I bled all over your table).

I will sob to my pseudo husband about how he acts like he doesnt care, and then scream when he suggests we go back to the ER. I will lay in a daze, and then get up and act fine.

I am so fucking angry and bitter, I am so achey and sore, I am so ready for all of this mess to be done.

I am ANGRY that my loss has been dismissed so easily ("YAY FOR THE LIVE ONE! (but so sorry for that other one)" ), and I am left shocked and grieving and all I can hear is shit like "when are you due now" "Well thank god for not twins!" and "LOL THIS IS FANTASTIC, a baby! A BLESSING!"

NO ITS NOT FANTASTIC. and I am not okay.

but I react inappropriately, incorrectly, because I dont know what is the right way to deal with things. I dont want to talk about my future birth, or hear plans for a future birth. I dont want to talk about a possibility when I am losing clots and cramping and crying. I don't want to hear about your friend's birth, I dont care. I DONT CARE.

I am so angry and bitter. And ready for this to be done.