Sunday Morning in New Diary

I finially did get some sleep Friday/Saturday morning. I think I got sleepy around 1am. I didn’t have a good night. I woke up late Saturday around 7:30am feeling totally exhausted. Also I was having dizzy spells and experienced them throughout the day. They seemed to be really bad in the morning hours Also I think I crashed Saturday and crashed big time.

I was flying high Friday. I felt like I was on top of the world. Saturday I was shot down. I realized that I am not going to have as much money as I thought. I only bought two carton of cigars Friday and am worried that this will not be enough to get me through the month. I got a bill in the mail from my hearing aid doctor for $175. I have insurance and can’t figure out why they didn’t bill my insurance provider. Also worried that I will not have enough food to get through the month. I felt that I really blew my check and that made me very depressed.

I kept going over what I spent. The only thing I shouldn’t have spent money on was the subs from Foxes. Two subs cost me $22 Then I had that shave and a haircut for $15. Now that I look at it I spent $37 extra I screwed up when I bought the subs. Oh boy now I am afraid I will be in trouble for the rest of the month. Anyways I was thinking about this and the thought made me very, very depressed and anxious.

I think I will be ok. I have twenty Homestyle bakes plus two packages of chicken and skillet dinner in the freezer. That will take me till the 26. I will have to util/ie the Community Breadbasket this month and I will probably get two our three meals from that. Chocolatechip always helps out in the food deparmentt I think I will be ok but it is a worry I always like to buy the food and share For some reason I screwed up this month and can’t figure out where the money went.

I guess this has been bothering me. Another thing that has been bothering me happened on Friday. I went outside t waited for my ride around 9:15 am. I decided to have a smoke so I walked down to the smoking area. Greg and Roger, two of the buildings maintenance men were sitting down there. Greg said something and I thought he was talking to me. I said what and looked at him. He gave me the dirties look I every got in my life. Felt like shit.

Then . I was telling Chocolatechip the other day is I don’t think my case manager likes me very much. I told her she never speaks to me only when it is absolutely necessary. We were sitting over in the eyeglass place the other day and she never said a word to me. I said tIo her how awkward I felt sitting next to someone and they don’t bother to say shit to you. I said I couldn’t wait to get out of there and get back home. I guess this has been bothering me as well.

I don’t think a lot of people like me. I think a lot of people hate me because I used to be a crossdresser especially people in OT. Chocolatechip said that most of the people who; live here when I did that are gone now. The new people probably do not care if they heard about it. MY therapist said pretty much the same thing. I have my doubts. I speak to people when I see them but they do not bother to speak to me. Then once in a while I get looks from people and I can sense the hate I just want to get the hell out of their way.

I think that is the biggest reason why I don’t like going out of my apartment. I sense a lot of animosity from other tenants and staff. This could be real or imagined. Sometimes I am not so sure In any case I can’t face that. I don’t know. I really do not know This is one issue I discuss with my therapist.

One thing I am truly blessed to have Chocolatechip in my life When I wasn’t feeling good she came up She cleaned up the kitchen for me . For dinner she brought up some food and we had some food. She is always doing nice things for me. I really love her and I’m happy wit her . She is a blessing in a million different ways.

Last updated September 04, 2016