Hate in Baddies

I hate myself. Because I am becoming the thing I hated so much. Today I look down at myself and see my feet, swollen and misshapen, and see the past, and see dialysis machines and a childless desperate woman laying on the floor in her own waste with nobody there to help her but the people she mistreated and who have grown to hate her. And I see my future. And then I look at Laura, and I hate myself even more because she is caught in this, All because she loves me. And I knew. I knew that this was my future, I just did not know this was my immediate future. I am going to try to change it. Today I feel so horrible and I am sitting here crying, and Laura just had to give me a Xanax. I will try to change the inevitable into the never. I am going to quit smoking, and try to exercise, and see what the hell is wrong with my body. Because, Amy help me, it feels like my insides are turning against me. I am scared, and I am already that desperate woman. But I will not be laying on the floor in my own waste, and I will not be alone. I have love, and I have Laura, and I hope that will be enough.
She didn’t have that, she only had it for 3 years. I am so very lucky. And she is not. :(

Steph