More drama. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I find out yesterday from my co-worker that I’m not to attend the funeral. Apparently his family was going to call me but they didn’t have the right number in his phone. I’m really thankful I was smart enough to change my number because if I would have had some asshole I didn’t even know call me and tell me I wasn’t welcome at a fucking funeral, I would have lost my shit in a fucking hurry! My co-worker is going to go and at least get me a flyer. I still just don’t really know how I feel about this.

My emotions have been out of whack from not taking my Adderall so after I got this news, I had to take one so that I could process this in a normal, sane way instead of getting super upset and putting a pistol in my mouth. I went about my day just fine and had a fun night at work. Last night was one of those nights that reminded me why I like my job and the people I work with.

I took today off so I could go meet her teacher with them this evening. Well, my brother couldn’t wait 5 minutes for me to finish going to the bathroom so they went without me. I got there, had to park on the side of the street. I couldn’t find them and he gave me directions on how to get to her classroom but I still wasn’t able to find it. I’m super pissed and got more heated every second I was there because it was so crowded and my anxiety started to flare up. I finally saw his girlfriend and let her know I was leaving. I was still super pissed that he couldn’t wait 5 fucking minutes so that we could ride together.

She came over awhile ago and I let her know that I’m done. I’m cutting myself out of the equation because I can’t handle my brother making me so angry like he’s done my whole life. It’s just not fucking worth it. I do have a bad temper under the surface and I’m not going to risk getting mad enough to put my hands on him and ending up with an assault charge as it’s a mandatory jail sentence and on your record for the rest of your life.

She just said that no matter what, my brother is her Dad and he’s always going to be around. I’m completely fine with that but it doesn’t mean that I have to be. I’ve allowed way to much in the past 5 years and I am not going to keep putting myself in this same situation for the rest of my life. All she said when she left is that she’s done and she’s not going to allow this for her child anymore. She asked why I decided to come around after I had been away for that 6 months back when and I told her it was because I didn’t want their kid to suffer because her Dad and I couldn’t get along but if I would have known is was going to continue to be shit, I would have stayed away.

I’m not sure if I wrote about this but I put in for a mortgage. I still don’t know if I will be approved or not, but I’m gonna go talk to my bank on Monday. I want to get as far away from my brother as possible. Now I have to go back to making sure that they aren’t outside with her when I am coming or going. I’m going to get the fuck out of here, one way or another.

Ugh, I just need something. Some kind of miracle. I’m not happy and I’m not going to be until I find somewhere else to live. I’m just scared that even if I get approved for a mortgage that I won’t be able to afford it on my own and then I’m stuck relying on a roommate to help and we all know how that’s gone for me. I just don’t know how much longer I can handle doing this on my own.

I’m hooked on Adderall. Without it, I’m just this fucking trainwreck that wants to kill myself. When I’m on it, I can think clearly and don’t feel like things are so fucked. I know I can make this happen but I’m tired of knowing I’m completely alone too. I still feel just as trapped as ever and I can’t see myself living like this for too much longer. I make too much money to get any kind of help but not enough to get the fuck up out of here.

I worry that I’m going to kill myself. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and worry what I’m capable of doing if things keep going like this. I told my brother’s girlfriend I just want to be alone. I don’t want ties with anyone and I know that’s real. I’m just a lot happier by myself, mainly because it’s all I’ve ever known. No one truly cares what I’m doing, unless they want something. I know my brother’s kid is the only person on Earth that’s ever loved me unconditionally but I can’t handle this situation anymore. It’s pushed my limits to the fucking max.

It’s super early in the evening but I’ve had a couple of beers and only about 5 hours of sleep but I’m gonna go to bed soon because I have to work all day tomorrow. I’m working on Sunday too because I’m short hours.

Send me some good vibes people. Please.