i wanna be so far gone in you in 2013-2014

Love has been on my mind. A lot. Which I guess is understandable, all things considered. I'm not even really sure what to say past that. There are just so many different kinds of love, so many expressions, so many people, so many relationships, and love seems to be the lynchpin of so much. It's something that's preoccupied humanity since forever (literally). Yet it's so misunderstood, so terrifying, just a feeling of attraction, so easily cast aside because the depth of unconditional love is so dangerous to get to and it's easier to hide in the shallows where we know our feet can touch the bottom. Throwing yourself off the sand bar with nothing but blind faith and thoughtless, selfless love for another is weak, it's silly, it's a liability, it's everything but strength, it's for those who need a crutch, it's for those who can't stand for themselves and have to depend on someone.

Or it's because perfect love conquers the fear of the unknown.

Love isn't a feeling. It isn't transient. It is not a consequence of attraction to a strength. Love is a commitment and it transcends beauty. Love creates beauty, not the other way around. Love is blind to beauty or strength or weakness or ugliness. Love doesn't care. Love is this all-encompassing monster with a gaping maw that will leave you scarred and staggering, takes no prisoners, and if you do it right and learn to saddle that beast, you become invincible. (Or at least you feel like you are.)

But people try to diminish this greatest force on Earth because it's scary and requires effort and vulnerability, and the specter of death and abandonment hovers over all. Love becomes a myth, a fairy tale, a 'crutch,' just a fleeting attraction. If you turn the light off, the monster doesn't exist.

And I find that just so sad, so lonely, so cold, so dark, so fearful.

Turn on the damn lights, sneak out of your comfort zone a little, and that big gaping monster is just a really massive puppy that wants to play and maybe isn't so graceful sometimes. Go play with the giant love puppy monster. Why not? What's to be afraid of? Being alone? You're already alone. What, really, do you have to lose? It's a puppy. Shy a really, really fluke accident, it's not going to kill you. And no life should be ruled by fear of really, really fluke accidents.

In more concrete, real-life news, the big cold snap wrecked all sort of havoc at work. The last two days have been nothing but frozen and busted pipes and leaking water heaters and dorms without heat, and my supervisor's mother-in-law died, so I'm doing his work on top of mine, and I'm busier than I've been in months. My student workers are doing AWESOME holding down the fort and I would buy them all lunch if I had the money. Even if they ate a pizza without me today.

Personally, I've mostly been fascinated by the cold. I'm not a fan and I won't miss it. But now I know what single digits feel like, what negative wind chills are like, and I can strike them off my meteorological list. I tricked Sheppy into walking on ice and he gave me the frightened cow eyes (he all but moos). I had the ironic experience of my deicing windshield fluid freezing. I am so sick of wearing thermal underwear under my jeans that I want to go naked, except for the part where I would probably die. I'm terrified of my power bill, and I am now ready for summer. We can skip spring and its tornadoes.

Still waiting for snow. >:[ I may never see it again. I do not accept this. Please don't make me travel to Ohio again to see you, snow.

Russian started on Monday. My class is much bigger, about 15-20 people (it's drop-add), and there is this adorable old lady. She wears her white hair in a top knot. She takes thorough notes and her voice is strong, and I love her and I want her to be my grandmother. I went to my professor's office after class today to look at my final exam. I got an 85 on it. I am... grudgingly okay with that, since I got an A overall. I certainly showed proficiency, but made a lot of little mistakes. I rarely missed the whole thing. Ironically, the thing I struggled with the most at the beginning of the semester, writing compositions, I did the best on! By far! It does seem that I need to break my study guides down more, and just practicepracticepractice more. I clearly knew the rules and principles, but there were far too many execution errors.

Exercise is difficult. Not going well. Hibernation instincts owning me. All want to do is sleep and eat and wait for cold to stop and energy to return. Dance class tomorrow. Am just glad have not gained weight. Down to just under 145. Perhaps am too cold to gain weight. Please send help. Or at least above-freezing temperatures. Am wuss.

Oh, and my football team won the national championship. So that was pretty cool. (Read: I drank a lot and went into work late the next morning and screamed and cried for the next 24 hours.)