Rough week in Torridaussity Two

So my week ended with hearing this tonight “You are what you have to offer. If you aren’t getting what you want - that’s on you, not them. If you don’t know how to get what you want, it’s on you to ask and it’s on you to figure it out.”

Apparently I have always been single because it’s on me, it’s all on me. I need to work on me and what I want so I can get it. My whole life when it comes to my love life I have always felt that I am not good enough and that is what I can never find someone who wants to love me and this guy basically said it is my fault, I am not getting what I want so it’s on me. I cried for over 30 minutes because of this jerk. I had already been upset because after 5 months of talking with Richie he just walked away without a word. We had talked about meeting and what we would do and how much we liked each other, etc. Then boom just like that he just quit talking to me. So I did something wrong again right, I wasn’t enough again, I didn’t ask for and get what I wanted.
WRONG I know it isn’t always my fault there are assholes out there and the guy tonight was one of them. You know why, he only wanted to hook up for sex, I turned him down, but we sometimes chat off and on through ok cupid and based on that he thinks he knows me, he knows why I am single. NO. He is a jerk who thinks he needs to check in every now and again to make sure I haven’t changed my mind and want to screw him. He asked me what was wrong when I said I was down I told him I was hurt and he basically said put on your big girl panties and get over it. I am allowed to be hurt. He and men like him are the reason I am still single, not because I don’t know what I want and not because I am not an amazing person, but still he got me, he hit me right where it hurts and I cried.

I am happy with my life aside from being poor, but I am happy. I have always wanted to find that person who together makes my life even better, that best friend. I will be ok if I am single. I will re-work what I thought I would have in life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try and find love.

I am all over the place, still crying off and on. I am ending with saying even though I have self doubt, I do deserve love, I am good enough and it isn’t my fault the men I meet don’t see it. I will repeat this over and over until I don’t doubt myself.