Anxiety overload. in 2016

Hi.

Yeah. I don’t know what to say here really. I tried for the last few days to sort of collect my thoughts and that maybe this anxiety that I was/am feeling would go away and I wouldn’t even have to talk about it.

But its not.

Those of you who have been following me for a while, back in the OD days… know that I have suffered from debilitating anxiety/OCD. In the past few years, those feelings have become something of the past! Which is amazing. I’ve had fewer and fewer anxiety attacks. Actually its probably been well over a year since I had one. Kilroy called me and talked me through it.

When you are a person that suffers from anxiety, you can think that you’ve gotten over it all you want, but a tiny bit of that bitch is still always in the back of your mind. I’ve been really good in the last few years at controlling it or managing it I suppose. Some stuff I go through makes it rear its ugly head but mostly, its just in the background now.

Until now. I’ve been ok. Since Chris’ accident, I’m spaced right out. I’m scared all the time. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel anxious when he leaves to go to work. All these things that I used to feel (for no damn reason) are back. He went back to work on Tuesday. I cried HARD for 20 mins straight. I FORCED myself to get out and go to the beach w my gf to help me stay occupied and distracted. She noticed I wasn’t right. My dad noticed I wasn’t right.

Every second of spare time, I play it all over in my head … again and again. And then every night I go to sleep and wake up in a sweat and panic from the nightmares. It was the same when Miley had her seizure when she was 16 months old. I replayed it daily. I suffered for years with that. You all know this. Well, all the older followers do. Shes 7 going on 8 and I’m finally ok. I’ve been ok for a while now. But at the same time, it took me forever to BE ok.

I just keep scaring myself. I keep thinking “what if it takes me that long to get over this?” which it likely wont but right now I’m really suffering and its scaring the shit out of me. Right now I’m not fucking ok. Right now I feel sick. Right now I’m not eating. Right now I’m scared. I never want to have to feel that way again. Like my whole world is crumbling around me. Hes here, hes still here. I have him still. Hes alive.

I think about my friend who had her husband die of a heart attack recently. I think of MandaMelle who had her husband die in an accident. These people have it WAY fucking worse than I do… why am I still sad and scared? Shouldn’t I be happy that I have my husband still?

And of course I’m happy. I’m so fucking beyond grateful that I didn’t have to tell my kids their dad isn’t coming home. I’m so fucking beyond grateful that I don’t have to plan a funeral and deal with everyone talking to me (I did still have to deal with soooo many people) … ???? Why can’t I shake this awful feeling?

I go to bed at night and wonder if this is all a dream and like, when I got the news I fell down and hit my head and I’m dreaming and hes really actually dead, and I’ll wake up and he won’t be here tomorrow. What kind of fucked up shit is that??? :(

Every day its the same thing, try to focus on something else, try to get my mind off of it. Try to talk to people but they don’t fucking understand. And how could they, I don’t even get it…

Kristen :(