Healthy food, living for me. in Since OD is shutting down....

My night at work went okay last night. Nothing interesting happened and it was pretty slow. I got to leave about 45 minutes early and I came home and had a very light dinner. I’m glad that I have friends that call, even from far away. They call just to check in on me and I don’t even think they know how grateful I am for that.

I’ve decided that I need to get back to eating healthy so I can live longer and strive to get this extra weight off me. Even if I can get down to my goal weight, which I’m only about 27 pounds away, I need to start somewhere. I spent about $46 on groceries earlier and it’s all super healthy stuff but all stuff I know I’ll eat. I finally found cauliflower crumbs for which I’m super excited about because you can do so much with them and they are really good for you.

I had a raging headache last night at work, probably from starting my period and having no processed sugar all day so I went to bed shortly after getting home. It was really distracting at work and almost wanting to start crying if I wouldn’t have left early. I just have to get back to eating all the right things, at every meal and get back to where I want to be. I also plan to quit smoking. Probably October 13th, as that’s the day I quit before I didn’t smoking for 3 and a half years.

I still think about my old roommate a lot but I don’t plan to try and see him anymore. I need to let him live his life and I’ve unblocked him on Facebook because maybe shutting people out completely isn’t the answer. I just figure that if we are meant to be friends, we will find our way back to each other. I don’t see him trying at all unless he asks for me to pay his bills or wants to move back in so I definitely won’t be holding my breath. It’s just sad to know that he meant more to me than I did him but at the end of the day, I’m in a lot better place than I was.

It’s hard when I know everything happens for a reason but I really did want this person to be around for the rest of my life. I honestly don’t believe it was his intention to use me but he did and it’s hard to accept that. I just got so tired of him not helping clean, pay bills, or even helping me out when I needed to take a car to the shop. Then, when he not only stopped hanging out with me but also stopped speaking to me, it was just time for him to go. I know that he wasn’t going to leave until he was done using me and that alone just kills me. He had to of known that this shit was coming.

Even when he was here 2 weeks ago, I told him that I refused to take all the blame for this shit and at the end of the day we both got what we wanted. He got to go to his friends house and I got my living space back. He said that he planned to stay there until he wore out his welcome and was going to stay in his car and I know that he probably doesn’t plan to come back here and I don’t want him to because I’m too worried about the same shit happening.

I will admit to all the mistakes I’ve made regarding him but I’m not going to allow it to completely run me down either. I have to move on and keep living my life too. I’ve spent much of my life being depressed about the past and I just can’t do that anymore. Life is just too short. He made his decisions too. If he would have treated me better, things would be completely fucking different now.

Whether I miss him or not, I know that it’s not meant for us to live in the same house. I wasn’t happy and I don’t see how he could have been either. I don’t think he plans to come back here because I have his bed and he said for me to buy it from him. I don’t want it but now that it’s been here for 30 days, it’s legally mine. I don’t plan to keep it from him if he comes for it but if it stays here for several months, I may get rid of it.

It’s just so crazy how fast things can change. Just 2 months ago, we were still living together and everything was where it was fixable and now I wonder if I’ll ever get to talk to him again. I’m still super sad that everyone else was a priority to him, except me. No matter what, I was never going to be and that hurts. I know that it’s better for ME that he isn’t a part of my life anymore and enough time has passed now that I can take comfort in knowing I’m going to be fine. It still hurts but I’m getting through it. I appreciate all my friends being there for me to listen to me cry, scream, and yell because they’ve helped me realize that I was so much better than what I was dealing with.

I just hold onto hope that someday God will put a good person in my life, whether it’s a boyfriend or a roommate. I definitely do get sick of being all by myself and living alone as it gets lonely and boring but I’m sure someday I’ll find the reason why. All of this has made me a very strong person but there’s times where I’m so close to my limits too.

I am glad that I’ve made the decision to reconnect with my friend locked up. She’s been my best friend and always will be. I need her just as much as she needs me. I love going to see her because it’s just like the old times where she makes me laugh so hard I’m crying, my stomach hurts and it’s just stress relief. It’s so crazy that we’ve known each other 19 years and I can’t wait until she gets out and then I’ll have my fun, crazy friend back. We’ve been writing and I LOVE getting letters from her. She’s such an insightful person and knows how to make me feel so much better about stuff. I told her about the roommate and everything that happened and she said that he probably won’t apologize until he’s in a better place and I agree. I honestly don’t see him every saying he’s sorry for anything he’s put me through but I am okay with that.

It was really hard for me when she first got locked up because I felt so abandoned. I was so angry. She apologized for it, she said how sorry she was because she knew she was a big part of my life. I told her how badly I needed to hear that. I felt so abandoned and still feel that way sometimes. Not just with her, but other people too. I carry around a lot of feelings of sadness and abandonment but I know that it doesn’t hurt like it used to.

One of the things that bothers me is that my Dad has never allowed me to have a relationship with my little brother. I love that kid and I know he loves me too but my Dad makes sure that we don’t really talk to each other. I have a lot of hate and resentment for my Dad and the shit he’s done to me and that’s why I don’t come around much. He still treats my older brother and I like shit so we keep our distance. They’ve offered to let my cars be at their house but I just don’t feel comfortable with that because I’m too afraid they’d keep them. If my cars have to go somewhere, I’ll find a place for them and it won’t be there.

I have about an hour before I have to work so I should probably starting getting ready to go. Hopefully my day goes well.