Long week. in Since OD is shutting down....

Thank God this week is over. It’s been long and I’m glad I’m off tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’m working Monday or not because I’m taking Thursday night off for the concert. We still don’t have a DD and if I am left to do it, I’m just not gonna go. I’ve been the DD enough in the past 30 years and it’s time someone else does it. I’m only getting this one night to go off and adult so I’m hoping we will find someone in the nick of time so we can all go and have a good time.

I seriously hate Dan and I honestly don’t know what the fuck I ever saw in that guy. I’m a complete fucking bitch to him every chance I get because I can’t stand him and the way he carries himself. He’s just really pushy and goes about shit in the wrong way. I’m irritated that I have to see him every fucking day next week and I’m really hoping he will quit sooner or later. Just the sight of him makes me want to punch babies. Even hearing his voice makes me angry. Ugh.

The little one is staying over tonight and not sure how long I will have her tomorrow. I won’t see her next Saturday night because I’m going to make the drive to see my friend again. My Mom invited herself and my little brother to come with so I can drop them off with my Grampa on the way but I’m pissed that she doesn’t ASK if my little brother can come, but merely tells me. Uh, no. I’m DONE BEING TOLD WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING!!! I put up with that shit for 5 fucking months from my roommate and I refuse to let other people run my fucking show!

I’ve gotten a lot better at letting people know I’m not taking any more shit off them. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the roommate here tearing me down anymore or I’m just tired of people being rude and disrespectful for no reason but anytime people say anything I don’t like, I let them know instantly that I’m not going to tolerate it. No one is going to walk on me anymore. I just can’t allow it in my life anymore because it just makes me hate myself.

The roommate. He’s still heavy on my mind and I don’t know how to deal with it. I can definitely see everything in a more realistic light and it’s gotten easier to let the emotional shit go. I truly wish him the best and hope everything works out for him. I know I’m always going to love him but living with him was a really emotional thing and because he was never around, I became increasingly depressed, to the point where I was afraid of not being able to make it to work anymore. I could barely focus or even care and was always wanting to leave early because I emotionally I was in such a bad place. It really affected me that he just didn’t care about me, didn’t want to hang out, didn’t pay bills, and didn’t clean at all. It was a struggle just to get him to take out the trash. After the first 3 months, I had gotten used to it all but depression was sinking in. Everyday that he was here, I was not in a good place and knew that this wasn’t healthy for me and whether I loved him or not, he had to move out.

I’m so much happier with him gone. I don’t have to worry about my bills being more expensive, I can sleep naked again, my house stays clean, I have to my privacy and peace of mind back, and it’s so much easier to enjoy my job again. He had taken my joy for so long and it’s finally coming back. It’s fine to love someone but when they are literally sucking the life out of you emotionally and financially, it’s time to go your own ways. I blocked him on Facebook but I still creep from my friends page and he seems to be doing alright. I even told him when he was here on Tuesday that at the end of the day, we both got what we wanted. He spent most of his free time at his friends house and that’s where he lives now. I got my living space back so we both won.

Emotionally, I still miss him. I miss the good parts. I remember how sweet and caring he could be and I would just live for those moments. But then I remember how he could just NEVER make time for me, pay bills, clean, or even be a decent human being ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE!!! I do agree with him when he had told me I was needy with him. I was because he had painted the picture that I wasn’t just going to have a roommate. I was under the impression that I was going to have a lifelong friend and was so excited about having this new person to get to know. I loved hanging out with him and it meant so much to me so when it stopped, I started to question myself and wonder why. It made me feel like a terrible person. My own roommate, this gay man didn’t want to be around me. I don’t think he’ll ever understand how that made me feel.

I’ve taken a lot of good out of this situation and I think the next time I ever have a roommate or even a boyfriend, I’m going to make sure that they don’t know how much I care about them unless they are showing me the same. You can’t love someone into loving you back. I tried WAY TOO HARD FOR WAY TOO LONG and that’s why I ended up hurt. I knew he was a GAY MAN and I was completely okay with that and he knew it. I just hadn’t found someone that I liked hanging out with in so long that I wasted my time.

At the end of the day, I’m glad to be putting all of this behind me. It’s going to be a cold day in hell before I ever decide to have another roommate and I will never try and trust anyone again like I did with him. He was the first person who ever even had keys to my house in the 11 years I’ve been on my own. He was the first person I ever added to my car insurance. I invested so much in someone who didn’t appreciate any of it.

Anyways, I need to go turn off the TV for little one to go to sleep so I can lay down and watch tv. I’ll write again tomorrow.