The Knockback (and some Melodrama) in Diary

I didn’t get the promotion at work. My manager said to me that I seem like I would be a natural team leader, my work ethic is top notch, knowledge, intelligence etc. He even mentioned the time that we had a fire drill a few weeks ago and were all standing in the car park outside, and I was the only one who logged into the emergency mobile phone and took call after call while everyone else stood around chatting and laughing at me sitting on the ground, scribbling notes onto bits of paper that were blowing around in the wind.

But apparently one person had better ideas for the team, so there’s not a lot I can say to that. I sent him a Facebook message when I got home (I only found out who it was after I left work) to congratulate him and say I was looking forward to seeing what ideas he had. He said thanks but he’s now worried he’s been over ambitious. Come on man, you’ve got to deliver on your promises, especially as there were five more of us who all wanted the job that you’ve taken based solely on these promises. We shall see.

I’m actually properly gutted; I had stupidly managed to convince myself that the job was mine, so now it feels like I’ve lost the job, rather than never had it in the first place…I know, I shouldn’t have set my heart so deeply on it. This is why I’ve always said pessimism is the best option; that way, you’ll never be disappointed.

A couple of things I only realised after I got home, as I was so upset during the discussion with my manager, I wasn’t thinking properly.
First, he said the person who got the job has got more experience in facilities management, which added to the reason he was offered the job… In the two jobs I’ve had in the industry, I have over seven years experience. Gareth is 24 years old and I know for a fact he hasn’t been doing this since he was 17!
Second, he said “I can’t remember if I mentioned it in your interview, but I want the helpdesk and the schedulers to have more of a crossover, shadow each other and fully learn what each person does so you can work together better as a team.” Uh-huh, yes I do remember that. Because it was me that said it, not you! It was one of the ideas that I gave, you know, the ideas that were so important that you gave the job to Gareth!

I’ve spent my entire working life in admin and customer service, about 13 years worth. One job I had for six years, one for three years, this one for 14 months so far. And, in all that time, I’ve never risen above entry level. I’ve never had the opportunity. I know I would make a good team leader / office manager / supervisor or whatever as I’ve done it all in everything but name. My manager said it himself today. Several other people have come up to me in the last week and said they hope I get the job because they know I would be great and I’m the obvious choice. But I have never been given a chance to prove it. When I worked at PRG and my boss was promoted into another department, they never replaced her, so I took on her role, but my job title, job description and salary stayed the same. Some women choose between a family and a career. Some are lucky enough to have both. I have neither. I have a mediocre job and that’s all I’ve ever had.

The last few weeks, I’ve been steadily losing energy and losing interest in things. I haven’t been skating for about three weeks, mainly because I just don’t feel like it. That’s unheard of, I’m always excited to go skating. I just want to sit at home on my own all day, crocheting and watching TV. I can’t, I have too much to do. Jay says it sounds like the onset of depression (He’s very strong on the subject, having suffered with it himself most of his adult life.)

I’ve never been depressed before, I don’t know why it would pop up on me now. It’s making me maudlin, making me question my life. I was hoping this promotion would buoy me up and give me something fresh and exciting to sink my teeth into. But it’s just made me feel even worse.

Wednesday night, I would normally be playing roller derby. Instead I’m sulking at home, listening to my three favourite pieces of classical music, which I only ever seem to listen to when I’m feeling blue. (For those of you wondering, they are Spiegel im Spiegel by Arvo Part, Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy and Beethoven’s Piano Concerto No. 5 in E flat major)

I don’t know what to do. I need a career direction…I may look for team leader roles at other companies, although I’m not sure anyone would take me on without experience…but I can’t get experience if no one will give me a chance.

My summary of today: This is bullshit.

Last updated August 03, 2016