friend of bill's/my sister's an addict. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

if you’re one you’ll know what ‘friend of bill’s ‘ means.

well whcih we knew. that my sister’s an addict or i did anyway. so on uhm............Sun. night my parents, aunt [my aunt Heln my dad’s sister] & I are all sitting out back [where i never am unless family’s there. ok so i guess not ‘never’] um and my mom asks my dad if we should tell Helen about Kate [my sister]. and after a bit i’m like ‘well how i see it is it’s her stuff to tell and if she wants someone to know or thinks she should then she’ll tell them’. other than w/ the friends i trust which would be Lane, Mark jd and in here [and of course w/ my mom] I dn’t talk about it. a i’m not ready and 2 like i just said. it’s her thing to tell though it also impacts me so. and I told my mom if she had something personal to tell.............then. and my dad said ‘well that’s a good point’. and my mom went ‘well but it’s just such a burden’. and you know i get that. i don’t know Helen that well but I hope she won’t say anything to anyone. and my mom said that to Kate, it’s not personal. but to me. that kindof thing is. but and again. well everyone has their own um opinion of what’s personal and isn’t. i mean if i was an addict. [oh wait i am.] I wouldn’t want anyone telling stuff about me w/o first telling me prior. [so ok the trust thing or lack thereof seems to be a recurring theme as of late].
So my mom told Helen what she knew. and it was my mom’s decision and i know it’s a different dynamic cause she’s the mom and i’m the sister but if it were my and my aunt..........i wouldn’t’ve told. I can come.so close to talking about addiction w/o sounding like i’m an addict. My mom was saying ‘i’m not an addict’. so she doesn’t fully get it. and yw knot that’s ok. but when she said that i’m thinking ‘and you’re lucky you’re not’. yeah no it’s terrible. it’s basically your whole life. It’s as time consuming as going to school or working or w/e is. She said Kate doesn’t go to NA AA anymore. cause she was doing well but then she stopped doing well and i guess her like keychain thing was just a reminder she wasn’t doing well. so. also she’s an atheist which is fine but I think well that’s probably the main reason she doesn’t go. i was one for a v. short period of time actually and it was really dark for me. so it didn’t work. [well i was also like 17 18 at the time too]. if it works for people then ok that’s cool.
My mom told Helen. that back in April [and this is new to everyone reading this cause apparently i don’t think i blogged about this] Kate came over to my mom’s all upset. well Helen was talking about it and she’s like ‘that’s surprising that she came over here’. ‘here’ being my mom’s. well that’s one way to put it. and my mom mentioned that for awhile Kate had been hiding stuff. yes and that’s what I liked about it.is she had been.and so for awhile there we were both private. and then i didn’t feel so alone. and then she told my parents. yes of course she did. i have people to tell about that stuff too just not my parents.
but a lot of this.I didn’t hear from Kate. no i heard it from my mom. and i’d rather my mom didn’t tell people right in front of me. but also Helen’s not here that often and she’d been busy so. that might have been the only opportunity they had to talk. back when I was drinking heavily I drank. well there was a period where i drank nightly for 2 months. that was um 4 yrs. ago this Nov. and one of the reasons I know that is cause that Dec. I was raped so. anyway. I’d put my vodka [cause that was mainly what i drank. anyway] I’d put the empty vodka bottles in my room and when my mom came over she never went in my room. so she never found out untill I moved and even then........well actually one of the things evan did back then was he took the fall for me. I remember my dad and him were talking [not at my place somewhere else] and I was there and he told my dad something about it. i don’t know if my parents believed him but they’ve never asked me about it.ever. [which is funny cause now he drinks more than i do]. and i’ll never forget that about evan. and if he ever needed me to take the fall for him and it involved his parents or friends or w/e [actually he’s pretty close w/ his mom and his dad is.no longer w/ us but anyway] I’d take the fall for him depending on what it is.
anyway. [again].
so i think. maybe I learned this from that boring book about John Lennon I had. that he wasn’t close w/ his dad and he had to find out from someone else like maybe his aunt or whoever i don’t know. about his dad though I could be wrong but this seems vaguely familiar. now my sister’s still here but in a way it’s kindof the same thing. My mom as I said told Helen what she knew of my sister’s drinking. i didn’t say anything didn’t give details. also i want my sister to trust me so. What my mom doesn’t know. and certainly won’t find out from me. is that during the recent bbq at her place. [my sister’s that is] well when my sister & I went back and forth between her apt. and the balcony.like the balcony of the bldg. well in her kitchen my sister drank. not a lot and not heavily but yeah she did. i like that my sister tells me about that stuff but i don’t like finding other things out via like my mom orwhoever.
so Helen brought up the idea of support groups. well i’m not a hugely optimistic person. I think support groups can be great..........but i also think it depends on the people in it drinking or not. a lot of people are manipulative. and i recognise this cause i am. but ya know one thing I can say.is I have to my knowledge never pressured anyone to drink. like yeah I had vodka and wine at my place and if like evan or whoever wanted to drink some that was ok. but if they didn’t want to then that was ok too. I’ve never been manipulative in that way in terms of drinking.
If Kate didn’t tell my parents anything. like at all. then. but she only told me or another friend. i don’t know that i’d like it any better. [well i mean a part of me would]. but it would just be different.
She lived in um the city for awhile in both Manhattan and Brooklyn. and..............oh one of the reasons she moved back was to be by her family. well and that’s ok but. that’s not why i moved back from fl. no i moved back from fl bc of responsibility and finances and ssi. or lack thereof except for finances. some people are like that but that’s just not me. She did.drugs in the city but not as much. yes and i think the problem is Denver or being here rather. i didn’t drink a lot in fl but that was also before i started drinking heavily so. also i drank heavily in denver. sometimes it’s best to leave the environment as hard as it is. See that I know of mymom doesn’t know, my sister did drugs in the city.
My sister has a hard time holding down jobs as a lot of people do. and she has all this anxiety another thing i found out from my mom. and I feel like that gets in the way of her holding down a job. i have anxiety too but I don’t talk about it w/ like my mom. I’m more open about my depression actually. This was brought up. well apparently when my sister told my uncle [my dad’s brother the one who talks a lot, is from CA and stayed at my mom’s while they were on their vac.] about it the only question he asked was ‘did you get drugs from my grad students?’ [he’s a teacher. of ecology apparently] and i guess my sister didn’t and then he’s ‘well why can’t you just. like do something about this. ok that’s exactly how it is for people w/ uh depression too. believe me don’t you think i would’ve don’t you think i’ve tried. It’s not like i want this no. and I’m not choosing to have depression. like when people go ‘oh well just go excercise’. right and yes excercise is a choice but that makes it sound like depression also is. right ok so i’ll go and have depression the same way people go and have ice cream or w/e. [i know that might be a weird way of putting it but that’s my point]. right cause i’m choosing this. right ok. and no no i’m not. and no it’s not. And for the longest time i didn’t realise that oh. that’s actually part of the condition. but yeah depression’s horrible. i don’t do the meds thing so. i have more on meds, identity and memories.
actually my sister’s on meds. for opioids. the way they work for those who don’ot know is the meds stop the person from wanting opioids. and my mom was saying something about how it’s good my sister’s on the drugs. i knew what she meant but it sounds...........well just the way it sounds. um.
so. and i’m not a hugely optimistic person going back to that bc. I know the reality of addiction. I know not everyone well to put it bluntly gets out alive. and not everyone doesn’t either. I almost haven’t though not.not recently or anything. just bc they’re an addict doesn’t mean they won’t recover. it really depends on them. It really is a game of russian roulette which I also didn’t understand untill recently. someone shoots up or does coke or w/e or drinks a few too many or..........w/e for the first time and they’d you know.go and some wouldn’t. ya just don’t know. and that’s one of the reasons sobriety scared me and still does a bit. i’m obvs. still here but yeah. like sure i’ll be fine long as i keep drinking. yes and how i got to er rather the way i got to this point was..........that i kept.drinking. like i’m not good when i’m sober.and i’m not good when i’m hella drunk either. i’ve been close to er.i mean i’ve been slightly wasted a few times since i moved. in sept like since i moved in sept. but i don’t get blackout drunk. yes bc i don’t have the money and bc i’m living w/ people. believe me if i was living by myself and people didn’t check on me that often which over time they won’t and i had the money.well.well that’s really the only reason i quit.
my mom could only er well handle 1 addict at a time and that’s the other reason.i’m not. cause likt that won’t do anything for us so. again if it’s not broken then.
so helen.after my mom told her that my sister’s an addict. and the timeline adding in that my sister had been one back in HS. my aunt well.she was really understanding about it. and nice. she’s like ‘wow’. a few times i went inside partially bc of that and partially bc there was stuff to get done. i’m a really passionate person and feel as i might’ve mentioned things v. deeply. so when my mom brought up things she knew from my sister but i didn’t know i.didn’t say anything. if something’s bothering me i’ll probably get quiet. not that i’m loud really. i’ll just get quiet-er.
yeah so something else i found out from my mom.was that my sister’s had a few NDEs. well and so have i.but again i don’t talk about them. also the latest one which was a little over 3 yrs. ago like i’ve mentioned i’m just starting to process myself so. and one i knew about from when my sister was in HS.
as for me.well i’m doing fine w/ this. well ok so i’m not but i don’t think about my emotions about any of this. which is exactly why I’m doing fine w/ this. i know i have my psych. to talk to about this.............but she might tell my mom...........although.my mom already knows this happened cause guess who told her. yes this again. but again. it’s Kate’s stuff to tell not mine. yeah it impacts me but that’s what my blog is for. but even in here............well but ya know. we talk about things when we’re ready but sometimes that’s not for a long time for me anyway. When I mention this in.in here it’s more just reporting events and what was said and what happened. also if i really thought about it would change things between my sister & I so. I’m ok w/ how they are. maybe this is weird i don’t know but I like that she’s so self-obsessed. cause when we have lunch together I don’t have to talk about my issues. it’s like no this is great. this is really working for me. couldn’t be better. but what makes it er worse as it were is when she brings up personal things about me. so.
um.................it seems like my sister’s not close w/my mom and yet.when she tells her this stuff itseems like she is. so it doesn’t match. so make up your damn mind. you’re either on the bus or off but i dodn’t like this being in the middle part.
oh so. My mom was saying that. well she brought up the um. Hiding stuff thing. and i was like ‘oh.so it’s like a performance’. [and it’s funny i’m saying that cause that’s my backround. not um professionally but like in general. i come from an arts backround]. and my mom’s like ‘yes that’s exactly what it is. a performance’. well sure yeah that’s me too i’m a leo. i’m not like energetic or all happy like stephanie was [oh good god. and again thank god I’m not] but I come off i think like everything’s fine depending on who the person is untill I get to a place where i’m comfortable enough for it not to be. and by ‘place’ i mean an actual physical place. and i’m by myself. [well i mean at times that’s not literally like there are other people there]. I make myself usually v. presentable though that’s more of an anxiety thing. but in performances everything has to go smoothly. like it can’t not for me failure isn’t an option. people have told me to calm down or w/e but ya know don’t.please. i get really uncomfortable when people do that. so really please.......
I’ve not met many people as of late I don’t have to uh ‘perform’ for. [i guess that’s also known as being ‘on’ ]. but evan was one of them. and it’s hard a bit but in a way I’d rather have that than.than not. cause i’m comfortable that way. i grew up in an arts backround and that’s what iknow literally or otherwise. i’m kindof like winter in that nothing can um break me untill i’m alone and then there’s the sun. or the moon cause sometimes it’s dark when people break and cry. unless you’re laura the attorney. she’s good at her job but that’s what i don’t like about her. um anyway.
i. there might’ve been more but i’m tired [of course] so.