surprised but not. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

“i don’t paint dreams or fantasy i paint my own reality” - frida

i’m surprised in that. I was stupid enough to leave the scissors where I did. but i’m not surprised in that it’s like. oh ok. something else to add to my trust issues nothing new there. i trusted her as much as i trust anyone i don’t know that well. She apparently doesn’t have an issue w/ change.i do. that’s why i don’t um bring things like this up. cause i don’t want that change. cause i do have an issue w/ change. i’m really comfortable not.changing. i mean why rock the boat. if it’s not broken then. no but obvs. that’s not how she is or maybe it is. To her it seems like ‘ok well i’ll rock the boat and if she doesn’t like it that’s not really my problem’. but for me w/ most people it is my problem since.........i’m the one who did it. but not everyone wants people to like them. which is fine. it’s just. for those people....... they drive the other people away by causing problems like this. and the more people are driven away the less they’ll do. well i will anyway. and yet. i’m also the person who causes problems. no i know. and there are times where i’m you like me cool ok you don’t that’s ok too. but if they want to drive people awya. then ok. just think about how that’ll be. but now that i know she might check my coat pockets again. well i’m sure as fuk not going to keep anything incrimincating in them now. er incriminating. damnit. I just wish she’d warned me been like ‘well i might check your coats’. and then i could’ve prepared stuff. and then everything would’ve been fine. doesn’t seem like she wants things to be fine though. not to me anyway. and i don’t care to hear the other side cause well.i don’t want to feel better about this. no when i’m put out i want to stay put out. the worst thing to tell a woman who’s put out is ‘calm down’. no we’ll calm down when we want to.
yeah i could’ve made a scene. but i didn’t. cause ya know what. i’m still the person woho’s afraid she’ll get kicked out based on experience. which means. i’m still living in fear and i don’t think that’s healthy. of course i won’t tell anyone this cause of my whole thing w/ change. i’m still the person who does just enough to cause problems but not enough to get kicked out. and then i get a reaction and then i stop. or something happens to where i lost trust. one or the other. it’s so easy tolose trust and so.........so hard.to bring it back. er to gain it again i mean.
yes and then.we wouldn’t have this problem. Had I told her I wanted her to do that then that would be aditting I have something to hide. well yeah. if i didn’t then i wouldn’t. ya know and i’m not gonna do that.
i’m soused to being well used to things. like it’s fine. just another run of the mill trust issue. I’d be surprised if i didn’t have anything new to add to the list. yeah see apparently people should never get too comfortable cause this is what happens. and yet we always do and we’re stupid enough to.well i was. if other people have a different opinion that’s ok but i don’t want to hear it.
i mean. this is my life this is my reality it goes all the way back to boarding school and the reason i left. that’s where it all stems from.
so yeah. it’s fine like i’ve accepted it. people might say it’s sad but i don’t think of it that way. no it just.is.